Almost as good as it was 3 hours ago when I originally had it.

Ah yes. Heartburn. I can’t say I haven’t been warned. But with the exception of one uncomfortable weekend at the beginning of my pregnancy, I thought I had managed to escape this horrible side effect. Silly me.

I’ve been eating small but frequent meals, drinking lots of milk, not eating right before bed; all the advice I read, I followed. But last night I fell off the wagon. I had a delicious order of veal osso bucco, a salad, a latte AND dessert. All at once. All right before bed. But it was SO worth it.

That’s the thing about pregnancy, it’s a lot like one of those drug commercials you see on TV for Viagra or some high blood pressure medication. The benefit is obvious-but there’s a price to pay. A long list of unpleasant, sometimes downright terrifying, side effects.

Really, we should be warned:

Open commercial with a series of heartwarming moments on screen:

A husband gently caressing his wife’s pregnant belly.
A mother putting the finishing touches on her baby’s nursery.
A precious newborn snuggling his mother’s breast.

We cut to a product shot – a box of PREGNATIN – on a white background.

A gentle, maternal voiceover begins:

“Life is precious. Don’t miss out on all procreation has to offer. Ask your doctor about
Pregnatin.”

This is abruptly followed by a hurried, legal voiceover listing all the sideffects, while small, barely legible supers scroll across the screen:

“Don’t take Pregnatin if you or your partner have not put away at least a million
dollars in the bank or still enjoy the company of your friends, as this may cause a
sudden and irreversible end to your financial stability and social life. In most
instances, taking Pregnatin may cause heartburn, insomnia, headaches, gas,
indigestion, constipation, sciatica, back pain, nosebleeds, congestions, acne, leg
cramps, swelling in hands, feet and face, flabbergasting and uncontrollable weight
gain, stretchmarks, inability to touch your toes, or wear a bikini ever again,
unpredictable mood swings, disgusting cravings,
the questioning of your sanity…”

The list continues but is cut off by the next commercial.

I’ve actually been really lucky compared to some women. I’ve suffered very few of these. But still. It’s always nice to know what you’re in for ahead of time.