THE BENEFITS OF A ONE NIGHT STAND

I had my first official one-night stand approximately a year ago in Chicago. I was visiting the Windy City to perform in a comedy festival and I met a generic, brown-haired, lanky improviser gent by the name of Matt. We exchanged flirts. We drank beers. We rubbed naked bodies. Intercourse happened rather quickly and orgasms on my end were definitely not achieved. Matt was a tad focused on himself and by a tad I mean exclusively. His penis was God and he wanted me to worship it, which I didn’t. We were not compatible to say the least.

Afterwards I reflected on the event and wondered what the point of a one-night stand is really. I mean, they’re often not fulfilling because the person you’re sharing this intimate experience with is literally a stranger who knows nothing about you including your sexual preferences. They don’t know what makes you quiver or what makes you quake or what makes you queef. We apply the basic skills that we have in the coitus department and hope for the best.

BUT since I have had a couple more one-night stands I have discovered that there are pros to a night of fornicating with an unknown wanderer (which is why I probs keep doing it).

You never have to see that person again
Sex can bring up a lot of awkwardness and tension and images that you 100% want to immediately remove from your brain. So, luckily, unless this human is a part of your friend group or a colleague or randomly begins dating your second cousin, the likeliness of you having to interact with them again is slim. Yay to permanently omitting memories!

You feel adventurous and spontaneous and rather badass
There’s nothing like meeting a good-looking human in a bar and seizing the moment by asking them to put their face in your crotch that evening. One-night stands are totally whimsical and for me they are the few times that I genuinely take a risk and follow the yearnings of my mighty libido. When I conquer haphazard copulation I become filled with hot, hot power.

You can easily increase your sex number
Your “number” doesn’t actually matter in the scheme of anything BUT doesn’t it feel sort of amazing when you’re at a social gathering and everyone is revealing their numbers and yours is slightly higher than another person’s? And even though it’s shallow and stupid and irrelevant, you’re oddly vindicated? Go ahead and pad that number with a smattering of one-night romps, baby!

You will likely have a crazy story to tell
As a writer and comedian, I need stories in order to survive. If I don’t have an interesting life tale to share my career will rapidly begin to flounder. Some of my favourite comical tragedies have come from bumping uglies with a man I only knew for a period of six hours. If the thrusts are jackhammers and the moans are disturbing, my vagina won’t walk away gratified but at least my brain will walk away with a killer new anecdote.

You are reminded of what not so great intercourse is
Another bonus to terrible lack-of-lovemaking is that it makes you thankful for good lots-of-lovemaking. When you compare a night of actual sensuality with a night of forced, stiff, socks-were-worn-throughout-the-boinking sensuality you will notice the extreme difference between the two and appreciate that person who you have above-average casual sex with on the regular way, way, WAY more.

No emotions are exchanged
This is typically the number one issue with one-night stands. When you shake bare booties and there is no real affection involved it tends to stink the big one. However, a positive spin on that is your heart will for sure not be injured in the shaking of the bare booty. So, relish in this potentially passionless danger free zone and know that the release of oxytocin will be minimal.

The stakes are as low as they can go
And with no emotion comes no stakes. You literally have nothing to lose with one-night stands, unless the person you’re banging is scum of the earth and treats you like refuse. In that case, you got a bit of dignity to lose, but if they’re a relatively okay person you’re likely going to exit their boudoir with your sense of self completely intact.

It can act as a palate cleanser
If you are coming off of an intense, sad, heart-wrenching break-up and you’re trying desperately to move on from this paramour, aimlessly getting laid by an individual whose name you can barely recall might be exactly what you need. Or it could potentially make things worse and make you miss your ex even more…but I find that it tends to rejuvenate me if it’s been a while and gives me the kick that I need to hump the rest of the universe.

Your self-esteem will love ya for it
You can’t deny that it’s complimentary for someone to be attracted to you when you’re attracted to them as well. Need a bit of an ego boost? A one-night stand could be the solution to your problem. A few months ago I had an awful bout of acne when my teenage skin was doing a comeback tour. I had never felt so unappealing and insecure and isolated. I had no intention of leaving my house ever again but a friend of mine insisted that I join her for a drink. Then to my surprise a handsome guy I met at the pub wanted to sleep with me. The sex was mediocre but my level of confidence was at an all-time high.

On the rare chance that it is good, you get to climax!
And hey, there is always the possibility that the sex will actually be excellent. The odds are against you but I have read about satisfying one-night stands in history books, so there is evidence that they have happened in the past. Even if you only get one lackluster orgasm out of it, it’s better than no orgasms right? Or bring a vibrator with you and just masturbate in their bathroom. I may or may not have done this many, many, many times before.

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