You’re a grown-ass woman. And you’re going to grow and change and age and experience wonderful new things every year until something happens to you that ends with you being dead. Ruh-roh. Downer alert. Life is short (downer), shorter for some than others (double downer), and since my teen years I have had a few nights a month where I wake up and remember that one day I’m going to be dead in the ground within 100 years tops, and so is everyone I love. I feel dizzy and almost barf and then I go back to sleep, somehow, because what else can you do? Whether or not you believe in a Great Beyond of some kind, death is pretty scary as an idea. “Just keepin’ it light, Mon, thanks! This is the fun and upbeat humour we have come to know and love in the Grown-Ass Woman’s Guide!” – you, being a bit sassy, if you ask me. Listen, sass-pots, building a healthy relationship with your own mortality is one of the most important things you can do. Why not start working on it TODAY? (The subtext here is that you might not have much more time. Fun!)

Talk about it

We’re often discouraged from talking about death and mortality. People will say that it’s morbid or try to paint you as a goth or something, but first of all, everyone is entitled to a goth phase, and second of all, it’s as natural a thing to talk about as birth or aging or breathing. (TONS of hot convos happening about breathing these days, as I’m sure you’re aware.) Especially if you’re feeling anxious about it, making death chat something you engage in once in a while can be healthy and helpful. Sweeping the truth under the rug doesn’t make it any less there, and you’re bound to get a Tell-tale Heart situation happening. As Hermione Grainger says, “fear of the name only perpetuates fear of the thing itself.” She knows about more than just who the best type of boys are (nerdy gingers forever). Listen up.

Get your shit in order

Just because you’re relatively young/healthy/once bought a potion from a witch that guaranteed you certain powers, doesn’t mean you can put off preparing for the Big Sleep. Knowing your money and books and highly valuable rare Beanie Baby collection will be equitably divided amongst your siblings in case of emergency will help you Regular Sleep at night. Look into life insurance, y’all!

Have a plan

If I die suddenly, I know that my Internet search history, embarrassing life journal, and other sundry unmentionables will be disappear-ed from my room. Can you say the same? Is one of your family members aware of your wish that everyone attend your funeral in vintage Prince t-shirts from the Welcome2America tour? I’m pretty interested in a natural burial, and how would my parents know that unless I’d told them? Obviously they were all “shut up nanananaaa you are immortal as far as we’re concerned, never die,” but it’s crucial to get your wishes out there. If just so they can negotiate- Dad, I am not putting your shrouded body in my kitchen, I don’t care what tradition that is, for instance.

Whatchagonnadoaboutit?

Nothing! It’s happening, eventually. A wise man I know, who was possibly quoting Buddha or maybe it was Bon Jovi, once told me that there are no problems, only solutions. And if there isn’t a solution, it’s not really a problem, because you can’t solve it. So the problem of mortality is not really a problem, just a fact. As inescapable as the fact that you are alive right now is the fact that one day you won’t be. It’s not a problem, it just is. Sit in that for a bit and see how it feels. For me it still feels pretty Barf Threat Nine, but it’s getting better and will keep getting better. “No problems here, only TRUTHS” – my coooool tattoo that I will get as soon as I conquer my fear of dying. JKKKKK turns out there are a few things worse than death, and a terrible yet sincere tattoo is one of them!

Use it

Okay, sure, Game Over is a scary concept. But do you think that stops Mario from racing his Kart as quickly and efficiently as possible? Do you think that stops Yoshi from really going for… whatever he does on that island? Use Game Over as a reminder to make the most of the game. To forgive easily and laugh often, avoid the negative and focus on the positive, and generally do as much living as possible. I don’t like the “you can sleep when you’re dead” mode of embracing life, though. Like, you can’t sleep when you’re dead, dicks! Sleeping is a distinctly living pleasure. You don’t have to be doing, like, adrenaline sports (?) to be making the most of your time here. Whatever a good life means to you is probably pretty good. Unless your ideal day is like “wake up, pollute a river, be racist to a baby,” you’re probably fine.

RIP, my pretties! Just not yet. You’ll be fine. For more and better information on the topic, check out orderofthegooddeath.com. They know what’s up and what’s six feet down.

Follow Monica on twitter: @monicaheisey