You’re a Grown-Ass Woman. You work hard, you play hard, and this weekend you want to spend your time as God HERSELF intended: in bed. Don’t get any sexy ideas. I am not getting ladyblog cheeky with you about this. This is not the Grown-Ass Woman’s Guide to a fiery four-day smoochfest with a man named Julio who you met after 10 margaritas in the south of Mexico (if you have a story like this, feel free to email me immediately, because I otherwise think I invented it based on something Samantha once said on a commercial for an epiosde of Sex and the City?)—this is about you, your bed, and maybe one or two throw pillows plus a mug of warm tea/glass of cool wine. This is about chilling out au lit. Join me.

Strategic fabrics
This is about comfort and breathability. Get your nice sheets on (clean ones, guys, we are grownups here) and your good pyjamas. Maybe a cosy old t-shirt and some sweatpants? The ones that your ex-thing left there that time and come to think of it, if he left his pants what did he even go home wearing? I’m just brainstorming here. Get on whatever feels comfy cozers and arrange your pillows just so. My personal fave move is the bed-couch, where you arrange a few behind you and then two on either side like fluffy armrests. Get creative with your space; you are in it for the long haul. Remember pillow forts? Make one, man!

Use a plate
Obviously “should I eat in my bed or not” is as rhetorical as “should I starve to death in the comfiest place on earth” or “should I just let Netflix keep on rolling now that it’s queued up the next eppy and it’s going to play in three seconds.” The issue is not if, the issue is how, and the answer is: carefully and with your brain. I mean that you should think, obviously—don’t try to shove some cheesy toast right up into your lower cortex (science?) through your ear hole (science.), and instead choose foods that are bed-friendly, and dishes that can sit at the side of your bed for a while without stinking up the room. A full jar of hummus is a no-no, for instance, because you are probably not going to eat a full jar of hummus in one go (unless you are my flatmate Adam who literally eats it with his hands, from the jar) (hi Adam, thanks for supporting my work!), and the rest of the container will sit on the floor or bedside table stinking away until you have to break the rules and leave the bed to put it back in the fridge/crack a window. Crumbs are also unpleasant. Avoid them by being a damn adult and using dishes. Put a towel down and have a lil’ picnic, even. The main thing is to avoid exfoliating your feet with crouton remnants later when you tuck them under the covers. Gross.

Make the most of your (lying) down time
Watch a bunch of movies. In a row, if you want. Write some letters to old buddies or crack one of your giant piles of the pseudo-intellectual magazines you subscribe to more or less exclusively to show off. I know all the sleep experts say to use your bedroom only for sleeping, but oh godddd have you ever cranked out a bunch of emails from your bed? The sheer thrill of being so productive while also wearing a onesie in a semi-reclined state! It is unlike anything else. Pick a hobby and do it in your bed. Maximize your relax. Relaximize. 

Sheets happen, not sh*ts
Hahahahahahahahahahahaha no info or tips here, just 500 thread count, Egyptian cotton, hotel-quality puns. Just kidding, there is always good advice amidst the sea of puns that is this column. I am like a clown in Shakespeare, all “haha fun rhymes TRUTH BOMB haha,” except I do not speak in iambic pentameter and am not, y’know, one of the greatest creations of literary history. (Once in university I submitted some satirical poems to a professor whose only note was, “I am confused and disturbed by the many instances in which you seem to suggest, without irony, that your writing is the equal of Shakespeare’s,” and I was like, “this is Generation Why man, as if we do ANYTHING without irony, plz.”) (I realize my attempt to mock the critiques of Millenials as irony-reliant was done in an ironic mode, and I am sorry but I don’t know what to do about that. Will someone please call Alanis so we can sort this thing out once and for all?!) Anyway the tip is leave your bed to pee, don’t pee in your bed. Good tip!

Most important thing: do not get out
There will be social events. There will be the urge, maybe, to get some physical activity. Once you are ensconced in the sweet, pillow-y comfort of your bed area, wriggle in tight and don’t get out. Our puritan ancestors have ruined a lot of things for us, including but not limited to: hats, sex, alcohol, and how we view leisure. Not working is not the worst thing in the world. We all work all the damn time. Taking a second to just full-on, unashamedly veg is both A-OK and probably good for your health in the long run. I am sure a doctor somewhere is reading this right now and nodding. “Good science, Monica. This whole article very clearly shows off your medical prowess and general grownup life skills, now get back into bed!” – that doctor. Thank you, Dr. Science. I rest my case.

People will tell you you’re being gross. People are haters. Do whatever you damn want. If you are making a habit of weekends in bed, or find that you physically or emotionally can’t get out of bed, those people are not haters but actually fairly legitimately concerned friends and you should consider talking to a doctor or someone else about how that’s going, but if you want to take a weekend to hermit yourself away, everyone who’s mad at you for not also being in some dumb line for an overpriced drink somewhere along Ossington can calm right down. Lounge tight, amigos!