You’re a grown-ass woman, but as the proliferation of websites and memes and opinion pieces and television programming on the subject (as well as your own experiences, duh, we are more than what we consume) make abundantly clear, being a grown-ass woman in the 20-10s does not necessarily mean having your shit together. The vibe of being a young adult these days seems to be something like “I’m a total mess but don’t worry, I talk about it all the time and one day I will be thirty, and then it will be okay.”

It’s not wrong to feel like a mess, but actually being one is kind of a different thing, and shows like GIRLS and websites like Thought Catalog end up glorifying fucking up to a point where it feels, to me, like they are encouraging bad choices. And sure, everyone makes ’em, but you don’t get a green light to be a total nightmare just because you’re “in your twenties,” and that’s “how it works” and you’re “such a Jessa,” you know? (See above parenthetical re: being more than what you consume.) You can relate to tales of love and sex gone wrong, of realizing you really hurt someone, of saying the wrong thing at work, of your first experiences with drugs or debt or an abusive relationship, but I am not sure we spend enough time focusing on the triumphs of this age. There are a million and one personal essays about mistakes, but it would be nice to hear the narrative of getting it right sometimes, as well. It’s time to own our shit, ladies.

Be realistic
Okay fine, pop culture, we all make mistakes. It makes us human and shit happens and not everything is perfect. (“Nor should it be, our individual flaws are how we grow as humans in this big, crazy universe. Here are 30 ways to tell if you need to move on.” – Thought Catalog) You can acknowledge mistakes and imperfections in your life without dwelling on them interminably. I have been told by numerous loved ones that I am the “literal worst to watch movies with,” so I got real good at making popcorn, because I can’t help it: I will always want to know how every plot point is going to develop as soon as it reveals itself, and let’s be honest, the quickest way to do that is to make a loud guess and then poll the room to see if they agree/have any other theories. Atrocious, but that’s life. We are all uniquely flawed, like fucked up snowflakes. But even a janky snowflake is a beautiful thing, so who cares?

Take stock
Of course we are all keenly aware of what’s going wrong in our lives, but next time someone asks how you’re doing, instead of your brain going straight to: “Busy, so busy, oh my god, I answer work emails on the toilet and yesterday my dinner was two hard boiled eggs I kept in my purse all day in a ziploc bag,” try taking a second to think about the week’s positives. “I’ve been to the gym four times and finally finished this big project I was working towards,” for instance. “I’m not feeling bad about my carb intake because I’ve sorted some stuff out, internally,” or whatever. Then just say “I’m doing well, thanks,” because no one needs all your cray—good or bad—during small talk. The point is to be aware that there are just as many positives as there are negatives in most people’s lives, but our brains zero in on the negatives with a Beyonce-at-the-Superbowl-in-that-one-picture intensity. You know what you’re good at. Be proud of it! Make a list of things you feel you are really nailing, and just think about it sometimes. It’s not gross and vain unless you’re wandering around gloating to everyone about it. Just have a lil’ secret gloat to yourself. “Shhhh.. bahh” – secret goat. (Better add “fun jokes” to my personal list!)

Take a compliment
We have covered this on the site before, but the knee-jerk reaction to a compliment should NOT be some form of self-deprecation or deflection. Just absorb the compliment, thank the complimenter and move on. “You have awesome style.” “Thanks!” is better than “You have awesome style.” “Shut up, you are! I can’t dress myself ‘cuz I’m fat and your style is better than mine, and once in grade school I got a stain on my shorts that looked like poo but was actually chocolate and I just wish you’d never said anything about my style, I think my kneecaps are sweating, hahahaaagoodnight.” What is wrong with you, women of the world? “That’s so kind of you to say,” is a useful catch-all that applies to all compliments (There’s a whole world of compliments beyond “you have great style,” HEADS UP) and pays a little one back to the person who shared such a positive thought with you.

Take credit
This is related to the above, but if you did a lot of work on something—a creative project, a relationship, your body, a business-something (business, guys) or whatever—and someone asks about it, take pride in the work that you’ve done. Don’t let someone else get the cred for something you’ve made great. This is what the hippies in my life call “giving away your power” and I know how that sounds but I have news for you: the hippies are right about almost everything. Except flared pants, which were a rare miss.

You can take take take it, now dish it out
If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it. Like, a phone… ring… where you call someone up to tell them that you think they are great. No one call me about that half-baked allusion, obviously, but now that you’re A+ at accepting credit where credit is due, why not pay it forward by throwing some compliments towards your fellow man and womankind and help them own their shit? If you see something you like or notice someone has been working hard, just state so, simply and out loud. “I like what you’re doing with your hair these days.” “You and Liz have a really nice thing going on, I’m so happy for you.” “That was without a doubt the most impressive camel toe and subtlest de-toeing I’ve ever seen in public.” You got this.