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"If you have to prank someone into touching their mouth to your mouth, they don't want to kiss you and you are being a sex pest."

The Grown-Ass Woman’s Guide to: When It’s Time To Switch to Water

You’re a grown-ass woman and you’ve had too much to drink. The first person to know this should be you. If you tell it to yourself, calmly proceed to the nearest tap and avail yourself of a glass or two of Sweet Lady H2O. If it is told to you tactfully and quietly by an outside source, please remember something: no one is patronising you. Having spent my share of loud, hungry hours in unversity as a Drunk Girl, I can tell you for a fact that being patronized is the Drunk Girl’s number one greatest fear and she needs to chill out, take a sip of water, and stop being confrontational with her boyfriend about it. (Sorry, Taylor.) Here are some other signs it’s time to make like a fan of 1990s Danish-Norweigan pop supergroup and love on some AQUA:

You’re having large-scale purse problems.
“I think someone stole my purse… it’s not in the pile near the door where I left it. Also I bet it was that girl over there. No, HER. Not her, her. HER, I SAID. Yeah, the bartender. She wanted it. I know she wanted it. It’s a nice one. It matches this one I have… oh, I’m wearing it. I think someone stole my wallet. Stop judging me right now, you’re judging me.” Get some water!

You think someone “hates you” and you want to ask them about it.
No one hates you. They might, though, if you keep asking them whether or not they do! Get some water.

One or both of your nipples have been seen by one or more people at the party.
Whether you winked a boob at someone on purpose or your dress has shifted throughout the night to reveal a whisper of areola, if your sweaterpuppies have become unsweatered, it’s time to get some water.

You like, really want McDonald’s.
Has any adult ever eaten McDonald’s while sober by choice? No part of a MacDonald’s cheeseburger–not the bun, not the burger, not the cheez–looks or tastes anything like the thing it is supposed to be. And yet, good LORD, pop a bite of that ketchup- and pickle-laden junk on my tongue at 3am and I am in Drunk Girl heaven. It is not good for you and it makes hangovers infinitely worse. Get a water, go home and have some crackers or something.

You are considering peeing somewhere that is not a bathroom.
Do not do this. Locate a bathroom, then get some water.

Did you just try to get someone to kiss you using trickery?
If you have to prank someone into touching their mouth to your mouth, they don’t want to kiss you and you are being a sex pest. Get some water! I know it is time for me to get some water when I start doing “My Move,” which is literally just staring at some poor human “in a sexy way” until they either a) get uncomfortable and leave my field of vision or b) come over because they’re intrigued (and/or worried I have possibly had a stroke). I never ‘get some,’ with this move. But I do get some water.

“I only smoke when I’m drinking”
You smell like a sad Grandpa. Get some water.

Other miscellaneous (but important) signs it’s time to get a water:
You are crying; you are yelling; you are eating at a speed you find uncomfortable; you are telling your mom’s secrets; you’re trying to use your phone and it just… isn’t happening; you are trying to use your phone and it is happening, and what is happening is that you are calling Spain; you are bleeding from the hand; you are threatening to fight someone; you are sleepy; you’re having irresponsible sext; you are laughing maniacally at everything; you stepped in someone else’s puke and you’re not sure how it’s going to go for you, puke-wise; you are bringing up that thing your partner did that time and trying to fight them about it; you are thirsty, for water.

Everything in moderation, guys. You can save yourself an emergency switch-to-water by alternating water bevs and alco bevs throughout the night. I like to start things off with a nice relaxing ginger ale before dipping into the hard stuff. Think about it! Be grown ups! Look out for each other and have a lovely holiday!

Follow Monica on twitter: @monicaheisey

2 comments
sasha
sasha

This is amazing.  And I related to it in so many ways...insert shameful drunk girl head hanging here.