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The Real Housewives of Toronto Recap, Episode One

Orange County, New Jersey, New York, Vancouver, Beverly Hills, Atlanta, and the Potomac have all had their turn. And now, Toronto is finally getting the Real Housewives treatment we deserve thanks to Slice. As a Torontonian whose guilty pleasure is watching people throw wine at each other on TV, this makes me very happy.

Historically, Toronto was derided as a dull and staid city. According to many of my international friends, Toronto was seen around the world as the sort of place that kind, unassuming people who never jaywalk call home. Then Drake happened, and suddenly Toronto had a new swagger. Well, last night that swagger morphed into a drunken shimmy as we witnessed the glorious premiere of The Real Housewives of Toronto. I laughed, I cringed, I may have even cried. It was everything I hoped it would be.

The Real Housewives of Toronto officially solidified The Six as a party town thanks to these fun-loving leading ladies. First, there’s Roxy, who has the best name ever and sometimes talks about herself in the third person. She has a pampered dog named Lola who probably has a better quality of life than I do. No, seriously, after seeing her fancy groomers, I would trade places with that canine in a heartbeat.

Then there’s Kara, a self-identified “Jesus Freak” and marketing guru. Her son is named Christian, which is nicely on brand. You can tell she must be good at her job. She is also very quotable. In fact, she believes it is her duty as a Christian woman to dress well, because, according to her, “The higher the heel, the closer to God.” We viewers are #blessed to have this woman in our lives.

Next we have Ann, a successful businesswoman who considers “buying houses” her hobby. The fact that her hobby is buying houses and mine is eating SkinnyPop while reading Eva Amurri’s blog makes me feel poor and inadequate, but in a weirdly enjoyable way.

There’s also a woman named Joan who doesn’t actually live in Toronto but exercises a lot. She calls King City home, and her walk-in closet is bigger than the foyer in my apartment building.

Jana is the token single girl on a show where everyone else is married. This woman is a genius who got rich by starting a business where she teaches yoga to super hot professional athletes. She doesn’t want a relationship, but she wants us to know she has “friends” who look after her needs. Basically, this woman is living her best life.

Finally, my favourite is Grego. Born in Thailand, she was adopted and later became a child star on French-Canadian television. She lives in the Beaches, has perfect eyebrows, and adds French sayings to random sentences. Her bilingualism is a reminder that this show is Canadian, after all. It may be part of an already established franchise of Real Housewives shows that started in the US, but our Toronto version is bringing its own national flavour.

This episode was mostly exposition, but I loved it anyway. We learned about the women’s daily routines, which seem to involve a lot of shopping, champagne and constant trips to the salon. Outside of the gym, no one wore flat shoes once. This made me feel self-conscious about the fact I mostly walk around in slipper socks.

The climax of the show occurred at a contrived but entertaining party thrown by Ann at the Soho Metropolitan Hotel. The event was called “a procedure party,” which is the fancy rich lady version of a Tupperware party. At said procedure party, Ann’s husband (a plastic surgeon) went around injecting various potions into women’s faces. He compared this type of cosmetic intervention to “embroidery.” Oh, and Grego and Kara became enemies after knowing each other for about twenty minutes. I’m not sure why they hate one another, but I realize this is beside the point. You tune into this show to watch drama for drama’s sake. There doesn’t need to be a reason for it.

We’re one episode in, and I’m already in love with everything this series has to offer. They say good TV makes you think, but guilty pleasure TV makes you happy. Well, I’ve rarely felt as much pleasure with my clothes on as I did while watching the premiere of this show. Long may The Real Housewives of Toronto reign!

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