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The Real Housewives of Toronto Recap, Episode Two

The episode was new but the drama was old. After last week’s disastrous “facial rejuvenation party,” things are still cool between Ann and Kara. In fact, the so-called face hickey of 2002, which Ann’s plastic surgeon husband may or may not have given Kara, has become the show’s inciting force. It is to The Real Housewives of Toronto what Laura Palmer’s death was to Twin Peaks.

This week’s action started with Roxy declaring her intention to host a “tequila party,” while forcing Elyse, her impossibly pretty assistant, to drink a green smoothie against her will. Roxy decided the theme for the party should be “Roxy,” (i.e., herself). Naturally, the other housewives had to be invited to this affair. Why? Well, narrative convenience, that’s why. The plot doesn’t matter on this show. The Real Housewives of Toronto isn’t an epic mystery starring Oscar-winning actresses like HBO’s Big Little Lies. This is a show where people yell at each other while walking their dogs. Let’s not judge The Real Housewives for what it isn’t, but appreciate it for all the delightful absurdity that it is.

For her part, Kara is still upset that Roxy mentioned the “face hickey” incident to Ann at last week’s party. This has made things awkward with Ann, which somehow matters to Kara, because even though Ann and Kara weren’t friends before the series began, Ann’s opinion is supposed to matter to Kara. Sure, it makes absolutely no sense, but let’s be honest, sense is overrated.

So vexed was Kara that she vented her frustrations about Roxy’s betrayal to her husband on date night. He then mansplained to his wife, declaring the incident didn’t really matter in the big picture. While he was technically right, I resented the shit out of his condescending tone. Add to that the fact that Kara and her hubby have a rule saying every kiss must last at least “ten seconds,” and I’m ready to say their marriage will never be my #relationshipgoals.

Of course, Kara ignored her husband and confronted Roxy at the dog park anyway. The feminist in me was conflicted about this, because I don’t like to see two women fighting, but on principle, I didn’t want Kara to let her patronizing husband dictate her feelings and behaviours.

Kara referred to said dog park confrontation as “speaking her truth with love,” which is my new favourite term for argument. She informed Roxy that in order to be a “corporate wife,” one must have “discretion.” Roxy later told the cameras that she isn’t a “corporate wife,” because she “is corporate.” But, um, do we have any hard proof Roxy is – or has ever been – gainfully employed? We’ve seen her husband, but I’ve never seen her business cards.

After their tussle, Roxy decided to exclude Kara from her “party” at Los Colibris. I use the word “party” loosely, because I’m not sure five women you barely know convening to discuss their divorces over tequila for the purposes of being filmed really satisfies the definition of the word party. But whatever, because this gathering gave us an excuse to watch Ann’s teenage daughter mocking her mother’s wardrobe as she prepared for her night on the town.

While in theory I do not think it is nice to make fun of people’s clothing, Molly is a genius at doing so. And I can appreciate genius. When Ann picked out her designer frock for the evening, Molly declared, “It looks like you were mugged and someone tried to cut up your dress!” That was an inspired description. In fact, I can think of no other way to describe the dress Ann chose to wear that night.

Roxy’s party itself was pretty staid compared to last week’s plastic surgery party. Grego, Jana, Joan, Ann and the hostess herself spent much of their time discussing – you guessed it – the face hickey incident and bashing Kara. Because apparently when Kara talks about someone behind their back, it’s objectionable, but when the rest of the women do it, it’s totally justified. If that logic confuses you, don’t worry. You’ve got the entire rest of the season to come to terms with how our housewives think!

In the end, I truly believe the second episode of this series was a triumph of television. The Real Housewives of Toronto managed to turn one minor cosmetic procedure from years ago into forty minutes of solid drama for the second week in a row! I cannot wait to see what shenanigans are in store for Episode 3, when our leading ladies venture to the cottage!

Oh, and I still believe Roxy’s dog easily has a better quality of life than I do.

5 comments
Kelly Rothschild
Kelly Rothschild

I don't think I've yelled so much obscenity at my television since the last trump press conference. But yeah, I can't look away \U0001f602

Shantaé Johnson
Shantaé Johnson

That caption is exactly right! \U0001f602 It's so awkward. I can't.