In our new series, The Techy Tantrika: Sex + Love Wisdom, Tantric sex and singles relationship coach Devika J. Singh dishes out advice for navigating the tricky terrain of modern dating. Got a question for Devika? Email her.
Question: HALP! I started using Tantric masturbation tips to up my solo game and now I’m not as turned on by men as I used to be, what do I do?
Devika: First off Clare, welcome to Tantra! I’m so glad to hear you’ve taken a strong interest in exploring your sexual energy and the absolute vastness/sheer endlessness that Tantric pleasure has to offer!
And, honestly, WORRY NOT, my friend! I’ve got you covered!
I am rather curious about if you’re currently not turned on by men in general (as in, all men), or if you feel the “pool’s dried up” and you’re simply not as sexually attracted to as many men as you used to be? Or, have you found you’re no longer attracted to men and now find yourself gravitating more towards women or going it solo (assuming you identified as heterosexual before)? Please feel free to contact me with these details if you feel they may alter my response.
If you find yourself not as attracted to the men you’re coming across then this is definitely NOT a bad thing — Au contraire!
For a moment, I invite you to stop and write down all the hot, juicy reasons that had you seeking Tantra from to begin with. Perhaps you were:
- Trying to become better in the bedroom/wanted to build up to a sexathon with a partner
- Had a calling to getting to know your body better
- Felt you deserved more pleasure in your life
- Wanted to break some negative dating cycles/absolve some past negative-relationship juju
- Wanted to confront something about yourself that made you feel shitty
- Just felt like something was missing/had a calling to exploration
Whatever drew you to Tantra, I can assure you, it did you a favour! And what you’re likely experiencing is a shift towards sexual and dating experiences that are truer to you and your pleasure…a shift to something simply (and not simply) more you.
If you’ve seen my videos, it’s unlikely I’ll go through one without declaring my commitment to quality: good/healthy food, sacred movement, #artgasm[ic] art and mind-blowing dating & sexual experiences (partnered as well as solo). It is very likely, my dear Clare, that you are starting to feel a stronger draw towards what really makes you tick: not just what gets you out of bed in the morning, but what you yearn for and crave. Not only from love and sex but also from the world around you.
It’s very likely that your energy has become attuned to craving better quality affection, connection and a specific ‘vibe’ from those you surround yourself with. This new drive encourages you to seek out dates with those who can offer it all to you, thus ensuring quality over quantity. Oftentimes, we get so tied up in what we feel is wrong with us while we’re ‘on the market’ that we forget how much the quality of our experiences matter, regardless of how casual they may seem!
A new-found dedication to sexual and intimate opulence leads to becoming better at ‘vetting’ potential dates. This is due to an intuitive shift (basically, an increase in intuition), so while the number of men you are attracted to appears to have dwindled, this smaller ‘pool’ of potentials will resonate with you better. And if he/she(?)/they haven’t appeared yet, believe me, they will.
So don’t lament over this quantity drop when a whole world of good-quality experiences is drawing nearer! I assure you, change can feel weird sometimes, but sticking to your guns and what serves your pleasure-needs will bring to you a long-awaited smörgåsbord of immense intimacy!