The Grown-Ass Woman’s Guide to: Hangover maintenance

You’re a grown-ass woman. You think. You’re responsible (generally), ambitious (work-wise), and you’re pretty sure you know where your purse is. You’re also craaaazy hungover. Whether you wake up with a case of the dizzies after a singular beer or it takes you two bottles of cabernet sauvignon to climb aboard the “any minute now I could barf that’s just how it is” express, at some point, we all end up at the same place, sitting bleary-eyed in the bathroom of a fancy restaurant trying not to vom while our grandmother eats brunch a few metres away. Am I right, ladies?! …ladies? Here are some tips on hangover prevention and maintenance, because let’s be real, you’re going to skip past prevention like it’s the salad selection at Mandarin. Bring on the Alaskan king crab of taking care of yourself after drinking too much!

Alternative lifestyle

Whiskey, water, whiskey, gingerale, whiskey, juice. These are not to be mixed, but rather alternated. Yeah, you’ll spend a lot of time peeing, but you’re going to break the seal anyway so you might as well be staving off more unpleasant trips to the bathroom later. One non-alco bev for every alco-bev you consume can really lower the tally of total drinks consumed, and save you some money as well. Alco-bevs.

Butt it out, for serious

Cigarettes are gross for like four hundred reasons but even if you have no problems with increasing your long-term health risks or making all your clothes and beautiful hair and fingertips stained and smelly, please know that if you go out drinking and then smoke a ton, you will wake up feeling like there is a slightly sweet, hairy foot in your mouth. A hairy, slightly sweet foot. And then when you put your hands to  your face to rub your reddened eyes your hands will be like “REMEMBER WHAT YOU DID” with their hideous asphalt smell, and basically just please think twice before smoking ever, but especially if you’re going to wake up sick the next day anyway. Iz gross.

Say no to drugs

You know how great drugs make you feel? The hangover is inversely proportional. I’m not here to tell you how to live your life, legally or otherwise, but if we are strictly talking hangover avoidance, this is an alright way to start. That being said, I have been told (wouldn’t know, obviously, who knows who these gangster street thugs are that are telling me drug information, but thank you, criminals, for your help) that a joint in the morning can calm an angry post-sangria stomach. I heard. #justsayno #unlesslikeyoureallyreallywanttosayyes

Know when it’s time to quit

“You know what’s funny? I don’t even feel drunk!” That’s when.

Pre-sleep prep

If you are in a state where you can do it, see if Drunk You is willing to help out Hungover You by setting out a large glass of water, your painkiller of choice, and a nice fresh towel. Further morning presents can include: a bag of chips (good luck not eating these when Drunk You is setting them out in the night), cold fruit (TRUUUUUUUUST) or a nice ginger ale. More advanced Drunk Yous may need: a bowl or plastic bag, pepto bismol, ear plugs and a full face mask to block out any offending light or sounds existing in the world.

My patented move

Wake up earlier than you need to—a lot of people who’ve been out the night before find they can’t sleep very late, anyway—and get in the shower. You don’t need to wash your hair necessarily, but get some cold water on that tired, bloated body and make it smell real clean and nice. Brush your teeth, then… and this is the really important bit… get back in bed. Go to bed, go directly to bed. Do not pass Go, do not collect two hundred donairs. This is Goodnight 2:  Electric Bed-aloo. Go to sleep again for as long as you can. When you wake up the second time, keep your shower a secret of your past, and just pretend you woke up feeling that fresh. Amazing!

I guess the most grown-ass advice would be “Get it together you are not in first year university anymore, seriously,” but I don’t know, I think once in a while you’re allowed to go a little nuts. Try to take care of yourself and your friends after you do. Now go get a poutine and make fun of your friend for that really earnest thing she said about her cat! She meant it at the time, no matter what she says now. (RIP Mitzy, I miss you every day.)

~ Monica Heisey

Want some grown-ass advice? Tweet @monicaheisey with suggestions for future guides.

Read more of Monica’s Grown-Ass Woman guides on vintage clotheshow to have a long-distance relationshipsounding smart at cocktail parties, and packing to disappear.

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