This past week I was sick. This wasn’t a case of the sniffles, either—I was siiiiick. The kind of sick that you don’t wish on your worst enemy, or maybe you do, depending on what kind of crazy you are.

Anyway. I was sick, and for a normally very healthy person (#blessed), it was hellish. It was all I could think and talk about. It was annoying, I was annoying, and now that I am on the other side of the virus (seriously, WTF was that?), life is seemingly normal again.

But being sick got me thinking about not just how horrible it is to be fatigued, cough-y, and basically rendered useless, but about all the other terribly awful things that happen when you’re sick that you either forget or have no idea about when you’re living a life of optimum health. These are some of them.

Your Cold Has Impeccable Timing– You always wake up feeling like death on the day that you have three deadlines to meet, a phone interview to conduct and when you finally get the attention of the TV producer who wants to read your script—the script that needs your undivided attention, which you can’t give because, oh, yeah, you’re sick. And, of course, your friend is throwing that awesome birthday party you’ve been looking forward to for months tonight and then there’s the guy who wants to see you/sleep with you but the only thing you want going inside you is a bunch of codeine and, and…

No One Wants Anything To Do With You– The moment you tell anyone you’re sick, people are all like, “stay away from me!” throwing up crucifixes in your face, like you’re Rosemary’s Baby. No one’s taking your temperature and cuddling you and spoon-feeding you Mint Chocolate Chip B&J’s, no sirree. You are utterly alone, and no gives a shit. I was at the auto repair shop waiting for my car when I had a wicked coughing fit—I’m talking eyes bulging out, crawling on the floor, gasping for air/my last breaths—and the people there would rather give me a dirty look than a glass of water. Make buddies with your bacteria, peeps, because that’s all you have.

Your Friends Think You’re A Flake – Maybe your BFF doesn’t want you spreading your germy germs, but if you’ve already made plans with her and then have to bail on account of how you’re dying in a puddle of your broken fever dreams, she’s all like, “Seriously? But you promised you’d come out! Can’t you just rally and come out for one drink?! JUST ONE? It can’t be that bad!” Oh yes it can.

You’re A Walking Pregnancy Scare – I just discovered that taking antibiotics decreases the effectiveness of the pill! I had no idea! Thank you, Rexall pharmacist! So, if you’re on the pill and you really need to get laid while you’re sick, use another form of birth control, so you don’t get doubly screwed.

You Can’t Enjoy A Day Off – One of the so-called perks of being sick is being able to call in sick at work and just rest, relax, binge-watch Netflix, eat a popsicle. But then you realize you’re too effing sick to enjoy watching “Nashville” and you can’t stomach anything but water, and a sick day isn’t nearly as fun now as it was when you were a kid, and everything just sucks.

You Stink. No, Seriously. You Smell. – Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t shower or change my PJs for at least the first 24 hours that I’m sick (OK, more like 48ish). I can’t be bothered to do anything when I’m sick, and the thought of shampooing sounds like a barefoot marathon to me, but, then, sooner or later, my greasy hair and the stench of my own B.O. gets to me, and I drag myself—begrudgingly—to the shower in the hopes of washing away my germs. Yeah, right.

You Come Face-To-Face With Your Mortality – At one point during your illness, you will think that you’re going to die. That this is it. You’re a goner. And then you think of all the things you have yet to do, and all the things you would most definitely do if you had your health, and then you get all weepy and depressed and you think we’re all going to die anyway, so what’s the point?

Happy Wednesday everybody, I hope you’re all feeling VERY WELL.