Before we dive into this delicious piece about fucking fantastic sex while fat by the inimitable Ama Scriver, we want to take a moment to thank our partner, Womanizer, a leader in the sex toy industry (and a mind-blowing, body-quaking thing you should definitely have). We are grateful to partner with Womanizer to present a twelve-part series of sex positive essays that explore and celebrate desire, pleasure, self-love and a sense of adventure. If you want to learn more (OH, you do), go here. Trust us, a Womanizer will enhance your life.
I don’t know which one of you needs to hear this: but you can be fat and enjoy sex. Yes, you heard me correctly. Having sex—no matter your size and who it is with—is nerve-wracking for everyone. But when you’re plus-size, sometimes your mind will start to fill with all these negative thoughts before the night has even gotten started: Will I crush my partner? Can I bend into that cool position I saw online? Do we really need to keep the lights on? *cringe*
If you’re nodding your head yes to any of the above, I want you to know that you’re not alone. Today is the day to feel empowered, and more in control of your body—inside and outside of the bedroom. In this handy guide, you’ll find tips and tricks for having the most kick-ass sex you possibly can while being the most bad-ass fat babe you are. So sit back, and get ready because things are about to get spicy.
Consent Is Key
No matter who this person is (a first-time partner or a long-time lover), there should be ongoing communication and consent. Just because you’re fat, doesn’t mean you’re desperate. Consent is something that is mutually agreed upon, and you can withdraw yours at any time. Don’t forget! If something makes you uncomfortable, say no and walk away. You always have the right to stop.
You need to be able to communicate with your partner before, during and after sex. You need to be able to tell them what is good and what isn’t during sex. For example: if you decide to try out a specific position, it’s important to check in with one another. “Are you enjoying this? Is this getting you off? Is this arousing for you? What can I do to make this feel better?” Without communication and consent, sex just won’t be fun for either person.
Put Your Comfort First
Listen, we’re all allowed to pretend to be a porn star, but let’s be honest, it’s not the easiest task. When you’re in a fat body, trying to achieve certain sexual positions may need some help. Depending on your flexibility, weight distribution and body shape and who has decided to be on the bottom, there are different bolsters and pillows that can help position your body into a way that works and feels good for you. One such example is the Liberator Wedge ($108), which provides stability and lift for missionary and anal. Don’t want to spend that kind of money? Use pillows!
Spoiler Alert: The Bed Kinda Sucks
So many plus-size folks I have talked to actually hate having sex in their own bed. The reason being: the memory foam mattress! Sonalee Rashatwar, LCSW MEd aka The Fat Sex Therapist, once recommended that if someone who identifies as plus-size does have sex on top of a memory foam mattress they should “place some pillows underneath the lower back, and then some under the butt bone.” If that doesn’t sound ideal, try putting a blanket down on the floor! It’s sturdy, and you won’t sink.
Face-sitting Kind of Rules
If you were like me in the beginning, the thought of wrapping my thighs around someone’s head and squatting down on them seemed just too much. But once I tried it, I liked it. A lot more than perhaps I should have. Face-sitting can be challenging for some fat people, and it’s okay to be anxious the first time. But of course, communicate and listen to your body. If your quads start to hurt, or it doesn’t feel comfortable, stop to shake it out and give your partner a break. Trust me, you’ll thank yourself afterward.
Remember To Take Breaks and Drink Water
Having sex is a lot of work. Fun, but a lot of hard work. You can obviously have a lot of fun while doing it, but of course – take breaks, and don’t be afraid to do so. On the bedside table, keep a tall, cool glass of water, and remember to breathe and not push past your limits!