People are surprised when I tell them that I greatly lack self-confidence, which surprises me since I think my glaring insecurities are rather obvious. I think folks confuse “confidence” with “being loud” and I am definitely the latter. If I fearlessly (drunkenly) scream my opinions (nonsense) at groups of strangers (my family) at parties (Christmas) onlookers tend to categorize me as a cocksure fighter ready to take on the world, when in actuality I’m an anxious, uncertain scaredy animal who can barely take on frying an egg. “But what if I burn it? I probably will. I‘ll just eat the bread instead or how about I simply spoon margarine into my mouth? I can’t mess that up. How did I mess that up? I’m going back to bed.”

I have similar timid conversations with myself about my career, my romantic pursuits, and my attempts at trying on leather pants at Suzy Shier. I’m continuously looking for ways to boost my self-assurance. But I when I google “building your self-confidence” ultra lame tips pop up like “walk fast,” “smile often,” “be optimistic” and “don’t believe in the concept of emotion.” This curmudgeon does not find that advice useful, thus I invented my own tips! Check ‘em out! If you also need a kick in the confidence caboose give these puppies a whirl. You will guaranteed feel like all of Destiny’s Child afterwards.

Speaking of Destiny’s Child…

1. Dance naked in your bedroom to Beyonce
Beyonce’s words inspire me to shake my bare bottom with such power that I feel like I’m running for president. See, when you’re confident you don’t have to make sense. There is a correlation between grooving to invigorating music, loving your bod, and killing it in life. So strip down, pump the volume up, and let Bey be your campaign manager of bootyliciousness.

2. Look into a mirror and say “I see pride! I see power! I see a bad-ass mother who don’t take no crap off of nobody!”
This is one of the most famous quotes from the cinematic masterpiece Cool Runnings. Yul Brenner (the character, not the actor) was onto something when he pulled Junior into that bathroom and told him to repeat the above mantra numerous times. Pump up speeches like this never fail to embolden me with the bravery of five Olympic bobsledders.

3. Write hilarious/sweet/egotistical notes to your future self
The other day I looked at the calendar in my phone and for Saturday night I had written:

9:00 pm – Get drunk
9:30 pm – Get more drunk ‘cause you deserve it
10:00 pm – Continue being awesome
10:30 pm – I’m proud of you Jess
11:00 pm – Are you having sex? You’re hot.

Upon seeing this I burst into laughter, primarily because I had no recollection of doing it. I was instantly brimming with confidence and supremely grateful to past Jess for her kind gesture. Try it! Write yourself a glowing email. Jot down an “I love you” on a post-it note. MAIL YOURSELF A LETTER LIKE A PIONEER. You are worth a stamp.

4. Say “Fuck it”, “Fuck ‘em”, or “Fuck that shit” frequently
Some may perceive this as negative but I completely disagree. I think saying “fuck ‘em” can be quite empowering and positive. Reacting to a rejection or a let down with a firm “fuck it” is, in my opinion, way better than allowing that let down to make you feel like garbage. Don’t feel like garbage ‘cause “fuck that shit” you’re great.

5. Yell at someone stupid
I don’t see this one as negative at all either. Debating an ignorant Rob Ford-loving pseudo-men’s rights activist can be infuriating but also exhilarating. Don’t shy away from arguments. Engage in ‘em! You have the authority to speak up and you should be heard. Don’t let dumb dumbs hog the stage.

6. Wear clothing that oozes aplomb
Everyone is going to have a different outfit for this one. You may throw on a pants suit or you may slip into a corset. Whatever your choice of threads pick something that screams “I’m cool. I’m confident. I’m not wearing underwear”

7. Compliment a pal and do something nice
I’ve found that confidence is infectious and it spreads like wildfire. When my friends feel good I feel good so make your chums feel EXCELLENT! Plus there’s an 80% chance that they’ll say something swell about you and if they don’t fuck ‘em. Also, think about making a donation or volunteering somewhere. Impacting others’ lives positively tends to restore my faith in myself and in like humanity and junk.

8. Read every Amy Poehler quote
Seriously. She is always right. My three favourite Amy-isms are:

“You are all you need and you have everything you need already”
“Vulnerability is the key to happiness. Vulnerable people are powerful people”
“You attract the right things when you have a sense of who you are”

9. List your accomplishments for that week no matter how minor and read them out loud while dancing naked to Beyonce
These can can range in scope. Examples of acceptable accomplishments: did laundry, got a promotion, sent that email, won an Oscar, discovered some form of new chemical thing, went grocery shopping, procured five yachts, etc. You’ll be amazed by what you’re capable of achieving when looking at those achievements in list form.

10. Think about an ex who you’re totally over and laugh hysterically about it
Remember when you thought you’d never be able to move on? That you’d be tortured and sad and lonely forever? HAHAHAHHAHAHA. YOU DON’T NEED THAT LOSER. FUCK ‘EM. YOU’RE TOO SEXY. WORK IT. WORK ITTTTTTTT.

11. When you accidentally catch your own reflection in a window/mirror/lake blow a kiss, wink, and whistle
When I caught my own reflection I used to immediately look away, ashamed for some reason. Nowadays, I check myself out hard, because if I saw me walking down the street I would for sure want to follow me on Instagram.

12. Make prolonged, intense, eye contact with an individual you want to bang
This is a follow-up to number 11. Eye contact is mega arousing and confident peeps look at each other head on. Instead of shifting focus to the ground, when you come across an attractive human, stare deep into their soul. Odds are they’ll stare right back.

13. MASTURBATE EXCESSIVELY… while dancing naked to Beyonce
You are the master of your own domain, madam/sir.

14. Do a beginner’s class in something you’re an expert in
“Yoga for Beginners? Yeah sure. I’ll drop in and DESTROY MY FELLOW YOGIS. I mean… support them… yes. That is what… I… mean…”

15. Stand up to a bully in your life and demand something you want
Is your boss treating you like crap and not giving you a raise? Tell them to stop doing that and to pay you more. On a smaller scale, is that asshole barista giving you cut eye when you ask for no foam? Fuck ‘em. You’re paying five dollars for that latte. MAKE THEM GIVE YOU NO FOAM.

16. Hang out with friends who inspire you
‘Cause friendship is everything that’s wonderful and makes you feel everything that’s wonderful. Am I right… friends? WHERE ARE MY FRIENDS DO I HAVE ANY? I think I have some! Correction, I am CONFIDENT that I have tons.

Mission accomplished. Bey out.