Hello again awkward men & awkward women.This morning a bug flew into my mouth as I was running, but people were around – so I held it in my mouth for a minute until I got past them to spit it out. REAL. STORY. DOT. ORG.

Satan, as we all know, invented exercise. It follows, then, everyone who ENJOYS physical activity is a Satan worshipper. And yet, we all worship Satan once in a while because momma loves nachos, you know what I mean? So, let’s talk about surviving a place full of all of our nightmares. Wear your running shoes as silly mittens, awkward antelopes, because: THIS is YOUR guide to the gym.

1. Exercise outfits.
Spandex is something worn by super heroes and weekend moms, but I guess you can also wear it when you work out! If I could, I would wear a burlap sack 24/7 to hide my awkward body and to finally feel comfortable in my own skin. (LOL @ CONFIDENCE) According to people who do yoga, however, the tighter the clothes, the better the workout! Squeeze your bouncy bits into some yoga gear and feel like a human corset.

Another option would be to wear a pair of sweatpants that say “Juicy” on the ass. Just a classic look.

2. Warming Up.
Stretching is super important. If you don’t know how to do it, might I suggest taping yourself to a wall and placing a cheeseburger on a nearby counter so that it is just out of your reach. You’ll feel your muscles start to work when you stretch your arms towards it.

VERY IMPORTANT NOTE: do NOT stare at the person stretching beside you. Even if they are very attractive. Actually, ESPECIALLY if they are very attractive. Also, maybe don’t say, “I like the way your body looks.” It sounds like you are contemplating fitting them into your trunk and they WILL leave the gym.

3. The Treadmill.
WHOEVER INVENTED THIS THING IS A MASOCHIST. It’s a machine that makes you run because the floor beneath you will literally not let you stop. It is a torture device that should be featured in a SAW movie. But SRSLY, you know how you’re supposed to picture everyone naked when you’re nervous about giving a speech? Well a good trick when you’re on the treadmill is to picture a murderer chasing you. Sure, you will scream and cry and frighten everyone in your immediate vicinity, but SO WHAT? Public domain, bitch! LET ME BE ME.

4. Weights.
Always try to lift the heaviest ones first. But make sure you put on temporary tattoos prior to doing so. Like a spider on your neck or something in Celtic font… like, “YA, I LIFT BRO.” It will immediately give you gym cred. If you’re worried about not being able to lift the 50lb weights, force yourself to by super gluing them to your hands.

The important thing is to look at yourself in the mirror as much as possible as you lift. Your workout will not count if you don’t look at yourself flexing at least every two minutes. I guess you burn more calories by looking at what you’ve become.

5. Cycling.
Oh fun! A bike ride! NOT SO FAST, BIKE TYSON. Apparently there is a setting where you bike UPHILL. WHY? WHY IS THIS A FEATURE? When I have to walk up a hill, I pray to the landscape Gods that the earth will just suddenly cave in a bit, thus creating a flat path for me to travel. When I have to walk up a hill, I curse science for not making jetpacks accessible to everyone. Biking up hill is just TOO MUCH. Avoid these machines and for the love of god do not ask about “spin class.”

6. Stay hydrated.
Probably a good idea to invest in one of those beer helmets, but replace the beer with water. Or just keep the beer in there. You do you.

Water fountains are cool because you can check out some prime pieces of real estate, IF YA KNOW WHAT I MEAN. Some medium rare steaks! Some ba-dunk-a-dunks! Some rear-view mirrors! Vertical fun domes! Tush Cushions! Rum-pum-pum bums! (BUTTS.)

Which brings me to my next tip…

7. You see an attractive person.
Holy. Look at the way their muscles move. Who even is this majestic gym gazelle? And then your body starts sweating more now than when you were working out. Oh God. They are coming over to you. ACT CASUAL. Wait. Where are you? What is this machine for? How did you get there?

They point to the machine beside you. “Is this one taken?” Don’t panic.

Except you do.  And now you’re just jumping up and down on the elliptical, instead of stepping a foot at a time. “hahahHAHAHA I DON’T THINK SO!” Oh God. Why did you shout it at them? Did you just wink? He probably thinks you’re a serial killer. Best solution is probably to just to glide away on invisible skates.

8. Cooling down.
That was awkward. Everyone knows it was awkward. You deserve a cool off, in the hottest place possible: the sauna!

WARNING: Sometimes people are just NAKED in here. And okay, we get it. Being naked is being in our natural state… even though I’m pretty sure I was born wearing a snowsuit. I just don’t understand how you’re SO comfortable. TEACH ME HOW TO BE THAT COMFORTABLE.

Whatever you do, DO. NOT. STARE. AT. THE NAKED PEOPLE. In fact, it’s probably best if you wear a bag over your head for the duration of your stay in the sauna… you know what? You should probably just go. But not without proclaiming, “haha well, that’s it for me! I have an appointment!” before you leave so that everyone knows you’re COOL with nudity.

9. The showers.

10. Leaving.
Quietly pack your things and sprint home. Never come back to this place again.