It’s week two and we’re in Costa Rica! Surprisingly, the resort actually looks decent. The production values on this season are obviously high. This signifies some serious innovation in the Canadian reality TV industry.

As the episode began, Chris’ bevy of beautiful ladies was uniformly clad in bikinis. This begs the question, are these women contractually prohibited from wearing one-piece bathing suits? I’m just saying, in a group of a dozen or so women, surely SOMEONE would want more coverage than a two-piece provides. I do not mean to cast aspersions on bikini enthusiasts, but I can’t be the only person in the world whose midriff gets cold when left uncovered!

Anyway, this episode’s one-on-one date went to Lyndsey. Her jaunt with Chris took the form of a helicopter ride over a volcano. Yes, the show absolutely meant that activity to be an on-the-nose metaphor for “taking a relationship to new heights.” Bachelor Canada’s lack of subtlety is part of its charm; its symbolism is more obvious than a J.D. Salinger novel.

In a surprising twist of events, Chris turned out to be averse to dating younger women. While he referred to Lyndsey as a “knockout” and gushed over their mutual fondness for sarcasm, he was taken aback to learn his date was ten years his junior. In fact, Chris initially pegged the twenty three year old for thirty. (NB: Chris, you should NEVER guess a woman’s age, even when she tells you to do so. Just say no!) When he discovered Lyndsey was still in her early twenties, Chris expressed concern over whether she was ready to settle down. But, by the end of the date, they made out anyway; Chris conquered his fears pretty quickly.

Once Chris’ adventure with Lyndsey was over, it was finally time for the season’s first group date. For the uninitiated, a group date is when Chris takes not just one, but multiple women out at the same time. Yes, it’s as awkward and uncomfortable as it sounds. Because “sexy ladies sporting swimwear” is this show’s favourite trope, this group date naturally took the form of multiple photo shoots on the beach. Poor Meghan had to wear an Edwardian bathing suit that looked like it had been stolen from the set of Downton Abbey. But everyone else wore – you guessed it – a bikini! In fact, Catie’s was so skimpy it was literally made of coconuts.

The bathing beauty photo shoots led to a lot of navel-gazing from the women. I mean that both figuratively and literally, as their stomachs were exposed. The women spent a lot of time worrying about their respective “connections” with Chris and spying on each other as they savoured alone time with him.

Catie, however, was the girl with the best game. She’s the only one who leaned in to kiss Chris in full view of the other contestants. That’s right, she went to first base with everyone’s favourite baseball player, and she did so in broad daylight, in plain sight. Catie is not only a brazen lady but is also a veritable quote machine. At one point, the lawyer/meditation coach declared, “I love to kiss boys.” If I could needlepoint, I would stitch that onto a pillow. As a reward for being forward, Catie earned herself the season’s first Group Date Rose.

Of course, the MVP of this week had to be Shanti. The woman throws more shade than a beach umbrella! In the short time she spent on this series, Shanti emerged as one of the most memorable villains in Bachelor history. The model openly espoused a Stepford Wife lifestyle. She criticized her fellow competitors for their inability to cook or clean and complained about their requests to share her “dry shampoo.”At one point, she unironically demanded, “Why would Chris want to marry a girl who can’t cook or clean? He’s a man of quality!” I think Shanti may be confusing the the word “wife” with the word “housekeeper.”

Anyway, Shanti didn’t stop at insulting the other women for their lack of domestic prowess; she brought the drama by spilling the tea on Dee’s child. Now, you may have seen that plot development coming. After all, Dee’s daughter was the Chekhov’s Gun of this season. From the moment we learned of her existence, it was inevitable Shanti would be the one to violate Dee’s privacy, telling Chris about the little one before her mother was ready to do so herself. Luckily, Chris wasn’t having it and gave Shanti the boot for her conniving ways. Watching this installment made my chest swell with patriotic pride. The American Bachelors usually take at least five weeks to figure out someone is a villain. I am learning to appreciate Chris more and more!

In addition to Shanti, contestant Ashley was also sent home. After witnessing her departure, however, I will henceforth refer to this woman as Classy Ashley. I have never seen anyone behave with as much dignity in the face of rejection as Classy Ashley did last night. In a cool and calm manner, she sighed sweetly, and said, “It’s his choice.” Then she walked away without tears or recriminations. She was a total Adult Lady. She’s the kind of woman I want to be. Let’s have three cheers for Classy Ashley!

So that’s a wrap for Episode Two. I’m off to buy a coconut bikini like the one I saw on Catie.