I celebrated three months of being in this therapy program today by eating a sandwich in bed while cuddling my dog Pumpkin. Three months ago I couldn’t imagine feeling the way I do now. I am not happy all the time and I still have lots of skills I can work on building, but most of the time I feel calm and content.
I spent my morning with my one-on-one therapist and we started like we always do, by going over my week and discussing the things that impacted me. Today she asked me how I thought I might feel at the end of this, when I can no longer be her patient. She knows endings are hard for me. I’m not worried about it though as I think I’m capable of learning new ways to cope. Another new feeling for me: believing in my ability to be emotionally resilient.
I have been thinking a lot about how my emotions can often get in the way when trying to achieve goals. I used to enter situations with no objective, which would leave me in a weird place where I’d make social missteps or just be plain awkward because I didn’t understand how I related to most situations. I genuinely feel as though I am existing on a different planet now. This week a close friend asked me, “Who are you?” I laughed and I thought, “Yeah, I haven’t felt like myself for a long time.”
Now that I have been able to turn the volume of life down a bit I can think clearly enough to have objectives. My interactions with people are less tense when I assert myself and accept the same from them in return. My interactions have also become more honest. I think getting caught in the small details of a situation is easy for me and I’m working on breaking that habit. When I get caught up in that stuff I lose sight of my goal or objective, whether it be to maintain the relationship or just deescalate a situation.
I have three months left of this therapy program; that’s twelve more weeks of twice weekly therapy. I’ve never committed to anything like this before and lately I’m really feeling how intensive it is. I feel so lucky to have the privilege of accessing this care, I know a lot of folks who are struggling to get help and have no idea where to even start. I feel even luckier that I didn’t give up on myself, even when I felt discarded by life.