Budgeting 101

Money is the worst. I hate it. I think about it all the time, and continuously come to the conclusion that I’d like to live on a commune in the depths of a pristine forest and forget the responsibilities that have been foisted upon me by society. Damn you, society!

The only people I know who actually like money either have a lot of it, or live in a world where most of their expenses are covered by someone else and therefore have no real concept of what it means to have your bank account cleared out by automatic bill payments within the same five minutes you get paid. Damn those people too! I did a bit of reading last week re: how to properly make a budget, and I think I’ve mastered money. I’ll be rich soon, and so will you. Listen up:

Step one: Be Honest With Yourself
How much money do you ACTUALLY have in your bank account? Look in there and write it down. Sit with it. Cry if you need to. You always, always need to know the exact amount of money you have, no matter how difficult the reality may be.

Step two: Get out a calculator
You’re going to need this for the super grown up task of adding together how much money you make in a month. You can also use this to do cool things like write BOOBIES upside down.

Step three: Get a glass of wine or roll up a big J.
While you’re at it, figure out how much you spend on either of these things per month and divide by four. Put aside this amount each week under the heading “Therapy” in your budget.

Step four: Order a pizza
Budgeting gets a growin’ gal’s stomach grumblin’, no?

Step five: Tweet about making a budget
“Spending the afternoon budgeting. I don’t even recognize myself! #growingup #grown #up #budgets #nomoney #allthemoney #doublecheesepizza #whatdomytaxespayfor #studentdebt #consumerdebt #whydoihavefivecreditcards”

Step six: Cry while looking in the mirror
Budgeting is really frustrating work, but you look kind of pretty when you’re in distress.

Step seven: Pretend you’re a country singer on Nashville
I sang this song fifteen times today.

Step eight: Remember that you’re supposed to be making a budget

Step Nine: Reluctantly calculate all of your fixed monthly expenses
Rent. Groceries. Phone Bill. Internet. Therapy. Prescription Drugs. Toiletries. Add together all of the things you consistently spend money on and divide by four (or two, if you get paid bi-weekly). This is the amount of money you need to be making each week and setting aside. What’s left over is your spending money. Done.

You’ve done it! You’re an adult(ish). Let’s all buy boogie boards and overpriced tank tops and fly somewhere warm for the winter. Pretty sure you can afford it now that you’ve got a budget! See you in Hawaii.

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