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Couple Seeking Threesome: Are there new rules to the dating game? SDTC interviews a Montreal couple successfully re-appropriating the online dating scene for their own sexual exploration

As every man and woman in any manner of singledom has come to realize, online dating is the new thaaang. Balls out, we message the people we find attractive based on the two to three cropped images they provide, and we hope they’ll return the favour with a few non-creepy, flirtatious lines. The Montreal dating scene, young and transitory in nature, has a vigorous online presence that tends to reflect the non-exclusive, non-standardized (and frequently non-committal) dating status quo of an unattached culture of youth who can be found practicing sex, drugs and rock n’ roll in Montreal any night of the week.

With that in mind, where do couples fit into this schema of promiscuity and non-normative sexual interaction? How does online dating contribute to blurring the line between monogamy and sex?

Rick and Lucy (pseudonyms, of course), 24 and 25 respectively, have been in a committed relationship for eight and a half years. In 2010, they moved to Montreal from western Canada. Over the last year, Rick and Lucy have been using an online dating website to meet women. We chatted with this candid couple about sex, trust, dating in Montreal, and, well, their new penchant for threesomes.

SDTC: As a couple, what motivated you to open a profile on a Montreal dating website?

Rick: It was the result of us wanting to engage in threesomes with other women, and us not knowing what proper venue to use to achieve this. Neither of us was comfortable going to bars to meet women and we didn’t really have any close friends who were into that sort of thing.

SDTC: What do you presently have posted on your online profile?

Lucy: We each have our own profile. Mine says that I’m looking for an ‘intimate encounter’. My profile also states how long I’ve been dating Rick, and that we are living together, though unmarried.

Rick: My profile states that I’m interested in ‘dating’ because some users will automatically block men listed as seeking ‘intimate encounters’. Once someone contacts me I immediately explain my situation and we go from there.

SDTC: What is the dating process you employ when meeting a new girl for the first time?

Lucy: It’s been kind of slow recently, just because we are comfortable at the moment with a specific individual we’ve been seeing for almost eight months. But in general, Rick and I agreed that I would be the ‘searcher’ for a third party. I usually go on the initial dates with the women, though recently we’ve been changing it up more often. We see how it goes, and Rick generally meets them on the second or third date.

Rick: Eventually, we wind up inviting the girl over to our place for dinner. A hidden benefit of dating, I’ve discovered, is that we tend to maintain a clean house, and we more diligently shave all of our parts. After dinner, we have drinks, I get horny and I make a move. I usually kiss the girl while Lucy is briefly out of the room, and then there is a fair amount of sexual tension when she returns.

Lucy: Then we all just start making out and touching things.

SDTC: How has having a third person around from time to time affected your sex life and your relationship?

Lucy: I think it’s really interesting after we have sex with a third person, actually. I think that’s the more intimate part of it, because Rick and I have both become a little bit closer with each other afterwards. I don’t really know why that’s the case. I think our sex life has increased and definitely gotten better, overall.

Rick: I agree. We’re sharing something between us. It’s kind of tricky because you don’t want to think of this other person as a weird third party that we’re using to ‘enhance’ our own sex life, but on one level, that’s what it is, and we’re therefore sharing something as a couple that is very intimate.

Lucy: Also, I used to be super jealous. In the past, I would sometimes rage over the fact that a girl was simply talking to Rick or something small like that. I’ve been able to get over these issues, and I think it was always a secret fantasy of mine to see Rick with another woman, because we have been together for so long, and our experience aside from with each other has been so minimal. I feel more trusting.

Rick: It builds a lot of mutual trust. The fact that Lucy knows I can have sex with someone else, that it means nothing—it’s just sex—and that I’m still one hundred percent faithful to her has been pretty good for building trust. The fact that I can trust her to trust me like that is really powerful as well.

SDTC: Why do you think Montreal is so conducive to these different forms of dating and sexual interaction?

Rick: It’s a city full of really liberal-minded young people. The overtly sexual nature of the city, as demonstrated in the high number of strip clubs and the huge pornographic industry, definitely is something worth considering as well. Also, it gets really warm out and people like to drink a lot. Lower inhibitions?

SDTC: What is your favourite date spot in the city?

Rick: We’ve gone to Sparrow (5322 St-Laurent) a few times. It’s quite intimate there. It has an early-twentieth century décor and great cocktails. For me, there’s something really date-like about cocktails, and you can really dress up when you go to Sparrow – it’s nice to look good on a date!

SDTC: Has dating-as-a-couple been an overall positive or problematic experience?

Lucy: I think dating together, especially considering what we’re looking for, has been way easier than if I were single and looking to join a threesome. It’s much easier to date together rather than separately.

Rick: I think it’s been overwhelmingly positive. The sex has been great, and I think as a couple we’ve grown in positive ways!

By Tyler Yank (@Tyler_the_Girl)

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