Dear MJ,

I hate the noise my partner makes when he orgasms. He reminds me of a yelping donkey every time we have sex. How should I combat this, as it is driving me crazy?!

Signed,

Distressed by sex with the donkey

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Dear Donkey Distressed, 

Well, at least he’s not crying after sex, I’ve seen that.

There is a very good chance your guy has no idea he’s even making such a sound. The truth is, some people can arrive at such a state of deep arousal that they lose track of their words and actions (and in this case loud neighing sounds….) If that is in fact the case, bravo to you kids and your rampant barnyard sex.

Having said that, I can appreciate the fact that the nature and level of such a sound could be off-putting. Not to mention what your neighbours must be thinking!

However, here’s something worth considering: I once had a friend tell me that sex with her boyfriend was so quiet she swears you could hear a cat fart in a windstorm. Personally, I’d take the donkey shag over that any day.  At least you know the dude’s alive.

My advice:


  1. Invest in a good set of earplugs and discreetly slip them in moments before yankee doodle starts his yodeling.
  2. Play music REALLY loud. Hide the stereo remote under your pillow and turn the volume up even higher as he climaxes. You may get a few noise complaints but at least you won’t have the Humane Society at your door accusing you of bestiality or the like.
  3. Join in! Perhaps if your guy hears you unleash all of a sudden, he’ll ask what’s up and you can mention the fact that you’re merely trying to match him in aural coitus. Who knows, perhaps you’ll discover a whole new side to yourself.  And you know what they say, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em!



 

EEEEEEEAWWWWWWW! 

Yours in love,

MJ