I am wrong a lot of the time. I don’t really know anything about anything, and sometimes I’d rather binge-watch old episodes of 16 and Pregnant than pull up Google and hunt for the truth. In this world where answers are at our fingertips almost as fast as the query enters our brains, there is something to be said for the good ol’ fashioned skill of making up bullshit answers on the spot.

If you, like me, are wrong most of the time but have a difficult time revealing to those around you that you are basically a knowledge-less blob floating around in a cute top, here are some key methods to employ to make everyone around you think you’re right about everything.

1. Emphasize your point with widened eyes and a knowing head-tilt
Confident physicality is the first step toward making the person you’re talking to question the things they think they know. This technique works best on children (they ask so many questions about things I don’t know!), but can be effective on trusting adults as well.

2. Back it up with a fact (true or otherwise).
It’s best if you start by acknowledging the possibility that the person is confused, and then root the ridiculous statement you’re making in some made-up fact that exists within the realm of possibility. Example: “It’s a common misconception that rats give birth to live babies, but they, like the duck billed platypus are known to reproduce by laying eggs, even though they’re both technically mammals.” I tried this out on someone last week and it worked. So. You’re welcome.

3. Be relentless in your conviction
At times all that’s needed to convince someone that they’re misinformed is to say, “You’re wrong. You’re wrong. You’re wrong!” Over and over again until they stop arguing with you.

4. Disbelieve the disbelief
Shake your head in slow motion shock at the suggestion that anyone could question what you’re telling them. “Do you really not believe me? Wow.” Imply that you are deeply offended that anyone would question your knowledge on whatever topic it is that you’re discussing. “I thought you knew me better than to think that I would just state facts about things I know nothing about. The capital of the Germany is Bratwurst.”

5. Cite a made up publication
This falls under the same umbrella as backing up your claims with a fact, but there are types of people in the world for whom the mention of a published title will dispel all doubts. Anything with the words “The History of…” or “101” in the title is your best bet to guaranteeing you walk away from this conversation the winner (because being right is about winning).

The only knowledge I’m confident about is the knowledge that I know nothing (Alexander the Greek said that) (check Greek History 101, ugh), and that when the above techniques are utilized with confidence, they WORK! Who wants to be wrong when you can be right? Right? Go forth and never be wrong again (probably) (maybe) (I might be wrong).