I am an expert in human interactions. One of the human interactions I am best at is called “sex.” Specifically, I am super good at not really having any of it. “But Tessa,” you say, “You are a relatively normal-looking human, and not the complete worst in terms of monstrousness. How do you manage to get such limited action?” Do not worry! I am here once again to help inform and advise you. Please find below the very best ways to ensure that you too can get the most limited action possible:
- Take things seriously. Take things SO SERIOUSLY. Remember, hurting somebody’s feelings is basically tantamount to murdering them.
- Have so many feelings. Have all the feelings and have them visibly while staring at your crush. Then run away.
- Codex to 2: Express attraction exclusively by avoiding any and all contact with your crush, castigating yourself as the monster you are, should contact occur accidentally.
- Avoid personal grooming before dates (such preparation might be seen as presumptuous).
- Decide not to go home with your date because you’ve done insufficient personal grooming.
- Just have thousands of teeth during oral sex.
- Be almost completely oblivious to other people’s attraction to you.
- Be almost completely oblivious to your attraction to other people. If you must register that you find someone attractive, try to mistake it for just finding them odd.
- Instead of using dating websites, make endless lists of reasons you are not getting laid.
- Become convinced that you have the weirdest boobs. If you do not have boobs, feel free to substitute another strange, jiggly body part that you are horrified to imagine exposing to another human. Don’t worry—there’s always some (probably) normal body part you can fixate on!
- Make sure you do not go to parties. Parties contain strangers and friends of friends, and if you go, you may find yourself exposed to new people who you’ll be tempted to have sex with. Spend Saturday nights writing poetry and staring at your cat. Remember, your cat is your one true friend. He doesn’t care about your weird boobs. He doesn’t care about anything.
Following these steps, you too can go months (or even years) without the risk of ever coming near another human being’s genitals! Remember—the best way to interact with other humans, is not to.