How many people have you slept with?

Dear Xtina, 
My boyfriend has asked me several times how many guys I’ve had sex with, and I always try to get out of telling him.  I’ve slept with a lot more people than him and I know he wouldn’t like knowing.  When I tell him it’s personal and he doesn’t need to know, he always just seems to bring it up again, and argues that it’s only fair to tell him since he’s told me how many girls he’s had.  Do I just lie? 

I personally believe that the actual amount of people you have bedded is entirely subjective, depending on your attitude towards it.  

Studies of heterosexual behavior report that women have an average of anywhere from 4 to 9 partners, while men on average say they have been with 18 to 31 different women. This brings up questions like “how is that mathematically possible?”, “are encounters with prostitutes throwing off these studies?”, and “are men exaggerating while women are underestimating?” Complicated, right? Of course, it seems you are not a typical statistic, topping your boyfriend and all, which is refreshing! Forget what he’s going to think of your number, what do you think of it? How does it make you feel? From the sounds of it, not very good. 

You have already made the mistake of making this question out to be more than it should be; what should have been a fun and flirty conversation has turned into a point of stress for the both of you. You’re embarassed about your past exploits and have refused to share, and in turn, you’ve made him understandably nervous.  

Before you finally tell him The Number, let’s take a minute to work on you accepting your sexual experience for what it is – experience! Women with a higher number of partners are known to have more liberal views and higher self-esteem, not to mention you’re educated in more ways than one.  

Tonight, pull out some of your best moves, you know the ones you’ve had the chance to perfect over the years (and the men), and show him just why he should be grateful to have a talented lady like you at his side and in his bed. Then, if he still must know, tell him your number. If he’s a keeper, he’ll not only be okay with it, but after the ride you gave him, he’ll appreciate it.  

xo Xtina

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  1. Anonymous
    June 26, 2009

    I’m in the same boat. I’ve actually slept with TEN TIMES the partners my boyfriend has. With that ratio, luckily his number is very low.

    I do not feel like a “slut” for having a past. Some I regret (but don’t dwell on it) and some I would not change for the world. This is just life and people have different paths.

    While I’ve had the experience of knowing many different partners, he’s had the experience of being intimate with one partner for a long period of time, something I never got. Together the things we’ve learned have made our situation explosive.

    I think he actually LIKES it! As his previous partners were inexperienced, he’s finally getting a taste of what an accomplished woman can do, and I’m blessed with finally getting a taste of what it’s like to get to the “comfortable” stage – where anything goes. Sexxxy!!!

  2. Xtina
    June 29, 2009

    That’s a great point I forgot to make, Anonymous! Excellent comment.

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