Just over four years ago, I met my current boyfriend on a dating site. We fell in love and became serious pretty quickly. Early in our relationship, I let my boyfriend know that I was in fact bisexual (I prefer the word queer), and that dating women was something I enjoyed and would probably miss doing. He was okay with this idea. Well, more than okay, as long as he got to watch.

During our first year together we had many conversations about threesomes, swingers clubs and non-monogamy. After a lot of discussion and thought, we decided it was something we wanted to try out. We started with going to a swingers club and meeting other like-minded couples on various dating websites. Through the years we have dated couples and had a few girlfriends together. Recently, we have made the transition to dating separately on occasion.

I believe a very important part of non-monogamy is constantly being open to discussion. My boyfriend and I are constantly discussing and thinking and pondering. We both know what we need in order to be happy, and are always finding ways to vocalize this. Non-monogamy only works if you are willing to be honest about what you want and need. Sometimes this can mean needing to say something that may hurt your partner, but it also means you need to be the type of partner who has their ego and pride in check. There is a delicate balance that needs to be maintained. We are also always reassuring each other and making sure the other one knows that we are each others’ main priority. Sometimes this even includes taking some time to be monogamous again.

Most people I know with heartbeats enjoy sex, and usually enjoy new and exciting situations sometimes involving sex. Non-Monogamy or Polyamory promotes the idea of having one or more primary partners while also engaging in romantic/sexual relationships with one or many other people. For some people it’s about building deep emotional connections with others, and for some it’s about new and exciting sexual experiences. It is also practiced by people who want to give a big ‘fuck you’ to the idea of conventional marriage/raising kids. I have never practiced this kind of non-monogamy because I am not married or with children. Some of you, if not all of you, ask: What about jealousy? There is no good answer. I believe non-monogamy is done best when both parties are fairly secure in their relationship but, more importantly, themselves. I think in order for any relationship to work you have to be okay with the idea of being alone. You need to be okay with the idea that if your current relationship ends, that (eventually) you can pull yourself back together, let go and move on. This doesn’t mean that you aren’t madly in love with your partner, it just means that you love yourself more.

I also believe that a huge mistake people in relationships make is letting their identity go. They become like one person, and base every decision on the common likes and interest of their partner. Non-monogamy helps people remember that they existed before their relationship, and will should their relationship end. Non-monogamy isn’t for everyone, and is never the solution to a broken relationship. When practiced properly, with lots of communication, it can work. There are also a lot of great books and resources at your local sex shop or book store. I recommend: Opening Up :A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino. And you can always find more of my on-going adventures in non-monogamy at my blog: www.takenbutavailable.com

~ K