There are a lot of thoughts that run through ones mind when a friend asks you to co-MC her wedding. Things like “I’ve never been to a wedding that was MC’d by a woman before. Does this make me a trailblazer? Am I basically Beyonce?” Or “What if no one thinks that I’m…. oh, shut up you crazy broad. You are hilarious. But what if no one thinks that my co-MC is funny? Will I have to sympathy-laugh the entire time? Ok, what would Nicole on a bad date do right now? She’d give an uncomfortably high giggle, awkwardly play with her hair and say ‘that’s funny.’ Yeah, that’s not going to fly in this situation. I might as well be Solange in an elevator if I do that.”
As you can see, there are a lot of random thoughts that can filter through your brain when such a feat is requested from you. Due to this, I have come up with three possible outcomes of how it could all possibly go down.
- In an attempt to curb my public speaking nerves, I have a drink or two…. or three. You know, whatever is put in front of me/I can get my hands on. By the time I am due to speak, I have entered the “Nicole at the end of a night out” phase. My friends can attest that once in this stage, there are two things I want and neither of them involves the opposite sex. I either go full-on Sleeping Beauty and crave my bed so badly that I start the sleeping process while out, OR I crave food like I have just had the opposite of Lap-Band surgery. Something tells me that falling asleep during the reception or comparing love and marriage to a grease-dripping burger isn’t going to make the bride very happy.
- No one will understand my sarcasm. Ok, everyone. I don’t actually have a pool going on when the divorce will happen. I mean, if anyone steals my date of February 2025, I will cut them, but I am just kidding around! Can’t you tell by the sour look on my face? What’s that? That’s how I always look? Oh, good to know.
- I will perform my very own rendition of No Diggity, simply because I know all the words. Every. Last. One. And I have always wanted to show that bitch Ana Kendrick how it’s really done. No one will understand why I am performing a song about sexual promiscuity at a wedding. Isn’t the knowledge that I may never have an audience again not enough for you people?! Seriously. What do you want from me?
Then there is the possibility of a fourth outcome. One that involves a little alcohol and a lot of food-eyeing… but mainly some funny memories and loving words about the bride and groom.
My money is on the impromptu performance of No Diggity… not that I am starting a pool or anything.
Follow Nicole on Twitter @NicoleRashotte.