Most people don’t know that I have generalized anxiety disorder. And that’s a good thing, because it means I’ve got things under control. It wasn’t always – and won’t always be – that way, because living with an anxiety disorder is a daily struggle.

I’ve never known myself to not be anxious. My earliest memory of something triggering it is musical cards (weird, I know). I remember a class project in grade school where we spent the afternoon making our own musical cards and how anxious it made me; I was afraid of the musical device breaking and never turning off. This fear would eventually include any battery-operated decorative ornament or children’s toy that made noise (I’d like to apologize in advance to my future children), and I would hide anything in my house that fell into these categories.

As a teenager, my anxiety manifested itself into class presentations and timeliness, and I became obsessive about being early for things. I also became obsessed with maintaining a routine because it meant that I was in control, and if anything wavered from this routine, I would have a panic attack. I’ve had panic attacks at school, at work, at home, and in front of my doctor, parents, and friends. The best way I can describe them is it’s as if the world is caving in on you and you can’t breathe or calm down.

I’m not – and have never been – on medication, in part because I feel that I’m in a good place with my disorder, but also because I have anxieties about prescriptions. (My aunt passed away at the hands of an alcohol addiction and so I’ve always been fearful of becoming dependent on drugs and alcohol.) If my disorder ever becomes too overwhelming I’m sure that I would consider medication but for now, I feel that I’m doing alright.

In saying that I have my disorder under control, what I really mean is that I’ve learned to live with it. Fear and worry are natural emotions but in dealing with and combating an anxiety disorder, it’s important to be able to differentiate between rational fear and irrational fear. This technique has worked wonders for me, as has focusing more on the present than the future (one day at a time Caitlyn!). Anxiety is controlling by nature, but understanding and challenging its limitations has made me a much stronger person. If anything, you can count on me always being on time.

Some useful links:

Anxiety Disorders Association of Canada

Livestrong: “Ways to Cope With Anxiety Without Medication”