TIFF is upon us, and celebrities are pouring into the city in droves. We’re on the hunt-but not for autographs. To set us apart from the swooning masses, we decided to think up a new plan of action for celeb-befriending. After the raucous parties and the endless junkets, who doesn’t want to sit back and relax with a beer, a babe, and a boardgame?
Hey Matt Damon, how you like them apples? If we’re lucky enough to run into the Sexiest Man Alive (former Sexiest Man Alive? Is it like the president-once you’re on the cover of People, you have the title for life?) hugging the bar (he’s married to a bartender, after all), we’d challenge him to a game of Apples to Apples® instead of asking for his autograph-we bet this smarty, who attended Harvard, would appreciate the healthy competition. Plus, let’s face it-this game of comparisons is perfect for the man in the original Hollywood hunk competitive bromance.
What better way to seduce a charming British bloke than Blokus®, the strategy game approved by Mensa? If we were lucky enough to corner Colin Firth having a cup of tea, we’d want to keep him there for as long as possible-this geometric challenge would be the perfect way to harness all that British dithering. And while we’ve got him sitting down, it’s only a matter of time before we address the issue of that spandex bodysuit in Mamma Mia.
Michael Cera is damn smart. He’s had a piece published in McSweeney’s-we have not. But he also seems like kind of a pushover. I’m betting if we could best him in a game of Skip-Bo®, playing our cards right and getting rid of them before he can ditch his like he ditched Charlene Yi, we’ll have him on the ropes.
The Coen Brothers work as a team-so we’re going to divide and conquer. Challenging the brothers to a game of Uno®, and pitting them against one another, can only deplete their uber-director strength. And once we’ve got our 500 points? We take the gala tickets and Brad Pitt’s phone number and RUN!
Okay, I know what you’re thinking-why challenge an actor to a game won by the person who can most effectively imitate a barnyard animal? We’d be nervous too, but when we sit down with tiny Ellen Page and her fight face to challenge her in Snorta®!, we’ll have a secret weapon up our sleeves. THAT PIG WHO PLAYED BABE! What now, Juno? Roller derby THIS.
Viggo Mortensen has experience with little men. Although we’re betting no one ever asked him to draw on one of the hobbits. Pictionary Man™, a game that incorporates charades and makes the original a 3D experience, should remind him of those long, cold New Zealand nights. We’d be competitive about this, but Mortensen just spent months living out Cormac McCarthy’s vision of apocalyptic hell while filming The Road. He needs some laughs.