I’ve long considered myself a connoisseur of the Friend With Benefits. I knew how to get them started, I knew how to keep it casual, I knew how not to get hurt. But then my latest FWB ended just as quickly as it had begun I found myself feeling distraught. It wasn’t the loss of the guy (although the sex and his hotness will be sorely missed). It was having to face a cold reality: for years I’ve been using Friends With Benefits as a kind of safety net. As long I could keep things casual, I wouldn’t have to risk the pitfalls of a real emotional relationship.

At first it just made sense. For instance, when I knew that I would be moving to a new city within a year I didn’t see the point in starting a serious relationship. A Friend With Benefits allowed me to satisfy my sexual appetite without having to worry about the inevitable breakup. After all, when you end things with an FWB it’s so casual that neither party really has cause to be upset.

I kept up the routine even after I moved. “Just until I meet someone special,” I thought. I was convinced that the FWB was just there to provide for me physically while I sorted through the duds of online dating sites. Only, with the exception of a single year-long relationship, I didn’t bother going on any dates. Maybe I was getting complacent but as long as I was sexually satisfied I just didn’t see the point in risking my emotional side with dates and boyfriends.  I also took a strange sort of pride in myself for being able to do something that so many other girls find difficult to do without getting hurt. “Don’t they know that they shouldn’t be sleeping with an actual friend?” I’d gloat. “Geez, keep it casual.” I found it comforting to know that I could be with a guy who could get me off six ways to Sunday but who would never, ever be able to break my heart.

But now here I am. To act as though my sex life is a constant rotating door of men would be completely wrong. One of the things I found appealing about FWBs is that I could have casual sex without racking up a huge number of partners. In fact, since I’ve moved to Toronto I’ve had one FWB, one serious relationship and a whole lotta celibacy. But newly FWB-free, I’ve been forced to examine my life, and have come to the conclusion that I am totally alone. Part of me doesn’t want to abandon the Friend With Benefits lifestyle altogether–after all, these experiences allowed me a kind of sexual exploration that was safe and fulfilling. In some ways, my casual partners were more open and caring than any boyfriend.

At some point I know that I need to face my fears and start putting myself out there. I can’t experience the rewards of a relationship without taking a few risks. Will I get hurt? Probably. Will it be worth it? I sure as hell hope so.