Why is it that holiday office parties go so horribly awry?

We’ve heard several Toronto tales of outlandish behaviour but these three hold a special place in our heart:

The middle aged lady had just started working at the festival and feeling festive at a karaoke bar, decided to stand on a tray – suited for dim-sum – and like a scene from a Jesus Lizard mosh pit, dive into the crowd shouting,  “CATCH ME!” No one caught her,  instead she smashed into some woman who was marked with enormous purple bruises for weeks.  Ouch.

Then there was the loser at a Bay St. bank who whipped out his you-know-what at the Christmas bash. While dancing around in a stupor, he fell to the floor. No one had noticed the peeking weiner until a colleague offered her hand to help him up – said prick pointed at his dick and with a devilish smirk told her to: “Suck it.”  FIRED!!!

We don’t even want to tell you about the staffer at the major television network who ended up doing some nasty yoga pose on a toilet with a paper crown on her head and a guy from sales’ tongue in her _ _ _ _ .  Ooops. Did we just cross the threshold of what’s acceptable inbox behaviour? (Pardon the pun)

Perhaps you have not encountered such extremes but you have likely rubbed shoulders with the following:

The drunken grinders
It’s not even Sean Paul and they are still at it. Eww. AND he has a wedgy. Double EWWW.

The easily wounded trainwreck cry baby
She totally thought she was going to nail tall Chris. She bought the sequin shirt at Bebe and a special gloss at Sephora. They had had such a great time playing with the balloons and making funny helium noises and then he just took off without saying goodbye. The last martini put her over the edge and now you are rubbing her back as she cries in the washroom and complains that her ENTIRE life is fucked. (Oh but we’ve all been there…can’t slag too much)

The elusive tooter
He or she doesn’t say anything. You just both stand there awkwardly eating your nanaimo bar in the warm humidity of their gas and discuss why accounting should really get signed off by Marcy first.
“Yeah – it would just make sense if Marcy looked at it first.”
“Totally, I mean – she knows the codes.”
“Yeah – and well – I think she was the one who devised that system with the green stamp.”
It’s a double whammy of boredom and stink.

Ball gown lady
Aww geez. She found an amazing floor length satin number at Talbots – 20 percent off. She greets everyone as if in church on holy Sunday and giggles about her over indulgence with the banoffee dessert tray. According to her, “everything looks so lovely. This is so great. You are so cute. I love this place. This tastes just delicious. Oh that’s wonderful. He IS a hoot!” No more sweets for you lady! You are OUT OF CONTROL!!

Slurring red-faced, do-another-shot VP horn-dog
“C’MONNNN what’s wrong with ya  – doanotherJager. THATTTA GIRL!!! I never noticed but you’ve got some seriously toned bod. You’re like a stretchy woman or something. Wooo! Damien -DAMIEN – D-dog…one more for me and her!!”

The dance circle hog from IT
He’s either doing the worm or saying, “I thought I told you that I teach Latin dancing on Saturdays! ” This while sweating profusely and making a weird motion with his tongue.

The reveal-all drunk
“I can only get an orgasm through asphyxiation.”

Keep your dignity, keep your job! Now for some helpful hints and office party how-to: Office Party Survival Guide

Enter the

Ladies, we do it better than Santa.