I’ll just come out and say it—having a boyfriend right now would be nice. In between working, partying, tweeting about both those things, working some more and being a 21st century woman of the world, I could try and fit the right guy in.

I keep hearing over and over from many of my smart, beautiful and awesome friends, (and also, Girls character Shoshanna) how they’re meeting great guys on various online dating websites: Plenty of Fish, OkCupid, JDate, Grindr (but that’s a slightly different Friday night date).

But have the times changed? I want to get into online dating, but I haven’t yet. Are dating websites no longer for the extremely awkward, but now just another way for the life of the party to meet girls? My friends are saying yes while my eyes are saying no.

I’ve been trying out this whole online dating thing, which kind of feels like a job interview process, with no luck. Maybe I’m just not doing it right. I’m left wondering if guys I see online and guys I meet in person are of two completely different breeds. One is hot and one isn’t. One has a social life and one doesn’t. Maybe my friends are all looking on this one elite dating website I dont know about, where all the cute guys you meet IRL also happen to have an online dating profile with pics of them looking gorgeous and wearing artsy t-shirts. But all the profiles I’ve browsed seem to be made up of a special sect of dudes whom I feel I would never cross paths with, and who could only chat up a girl online. Maybe that’s the point: you can meet people you never normally would. I’m not totally convinced (yet) this is a good thing.

Fresh with emotion from what I just browsed in a separate window, I think it’s time we have a little chat about this, guys. We’re not on a dating show in the 40s and we’re not at a singles mixer. We’re modern young people living and dating in downtown Toronto. Pick up lines sent via online messages from strangers come off 10x more forced than having it yelled at you from outside a nightclub. And there’s a serious trend of guys spamming dozens of ladies with mass “sexy hello” messages, only replacing the name at the top each time. We can totally tell. We just can. You don’t need to woo us with poetry or long manifestos or your attempt at erotica, you can just say hi to start things off.

And my thoughts on your profile photos? Let’s update and show our cute selves off like it’s 2012, not 1992. Can I comment on the photos that actually get selected by your own free will? You’re clearly there to try and get some booty or at least a nip, so why do your profile photos on dating sites resemble a classic tourist shot that you would take on a family vacation? Or show you at a library holding a thick book you’re clearly not reading? Or your corporate headshot from work? Or holding your pet gerbil? [Ed. note: Not a euphemism.] I am not making this up. I don’t need to see you kneeling in front of a fountain or standing next to a historical plaque. Because that gives me the impression that that’s what you do for fun, and if we go on a date and you take me to a plaque, it’s over. Try and ask a trusted female friend’s opinion of your profile before you sail it out there. Why not just a basic shot of your mug, maybe a full bod one too, and if we like what we see, you’ll hear from our people?

I’m gonna help you out: Here’s some real-life DON’TS plucked from real online dating messages I’ve received. The following are real and I’m sharing them with you anonymously, to help us all get laid, or at least help you have someone to chat with at work.

1. “Vagina will always looking for a GOOD SEX, Boobies will always looking for a GOOD MASSAGE, Every Women should look for a REAL MAN, Who educate himself in everything, Have a look”

2. “I was going to say we could do lines of lady gaga’s ground up teeth and roleplay some kind of steampunk/heavy metal crossover fetish shit but you shot that down preemptively. It’s ok you can make it up to me with dinner, surf and turf and I might put out.”

3. “Casual sex?”

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No? Hope this has got some thoughts a-stirring. Until we (don’t) meet again (online),

~The Lone Sexy Ranger