Queen for a Day: Ivy Johnson Teaches Queen Elizabeth How To Rage

Dear Ivy,

We have just reached our 63rd year presiding over Great Britain and the colonies, and we have been wondering just how to celebrate. Should we be doing something fun with Philip; for instance, hiring a derelict to come dance for us whilst we throw coins at it, in the classic tradition of private Windsor gatherings? Or perhaps should we present the people with a gift of appreciation that they would truly value, like a plate with our face on it?

Yours sincerely,
Queen Elizabeth II

Dear Queen, 

I think we can all agree that being the queen for 63 years is too long. I don’t think any of us expected you to live this long! You need a break. My advice to you is this: for this special occasion, see if you can get one of your foot/henchmen to find a Queen lookalike somewhere on the streets of London. Have them scour the bridge clubs and the bingo halls for ladies whose oldness is comparable to your own oldness. Believe me, it’ll be a lot easier to fool everyone now than when you were young, as many find it hard to tell the elderly apart.

Then it’s switcheroo time! This new old lady can be queen for a while. She’ll love it! British grammas are second only to British drag queens in their appreciation of you. And once she’s cozily ensconced in her solid gold La-Z-Boy at the Windsor Castle queen cave, you can take over her life and really cut loose.

Most people have the opportunity to misspend their youth; you now have the opportunity to misspend your dotage! I’ve taken the liberty of making a list of things I bet you’ve never done before that you should try:

  • Eat Jell-O with your hands
  • Make out with someone you met on the tube
  • Wear a Chewbacca mask
  • Roll down a grassy hill
  • Moon a cabby
  • Try the sex move “midnight special”
  • Pretend to fall down the stairs at a party then leap to your feet to show everyone you were just kidding
  • Do mushrooms and then go to a burlesque show
  • Get slapped in the face
  • Jell-O wrestling 

How’s that for an anniversary party? I hope you enjoy your remaining days, and I look forward to seeing what that anonymous aged commoner does with your country. At this point, there’s nowhere to go but up!

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