Ask a group of twentysomething young women what they wish Sex Ed had taught them, and you get an avalanche of the good, the bad, and the Swooshy (keep reading). Below, all the things we’ve learned since we were crammed into a sweaty grade school basement and asked to put a condom on a banana. Class is in session.
Written by SDTC’s intrepid team of Bedroom Whispers: Mistress Bates, Heidi Craig, Kait Fowlie, Caitlyn Holroyd, Bonanza Jellybean, Lana Louise, Claudia Softlips, and Yank. Compiled by Haley Cullingham. Best enjoyed with a soul choir behind you singing “PREEEEACH HALLELUJAH SISTER!”
“The only way to figure out how to turn your guy (or gal) on is to ask. I think about ninety percent of all sex advice would be rendered moot if couples could just talk to each other. Ask your partner, ask your doctor, ask a friend. I don’t remember who originally told me, but I’ve always believed in the following: ‘If you’re not ready to talk about it with your partner, fully clothed, with the lights on, you’re not ready to do it. End of story.’” -LL
“One of the most important components of a relationship and, of course, sex, is communication! Not only while you’re doing the deed, but discussing what you’re comfortable with and being able to have the confidence to tell a guy, “I’m not ready” or “I’m not into that” without making it awkward.” -CH
“The Ball Anomaly: What the hell are we supposed to do with balls during foreplay? Some men will instruct you to touch/rub/suck, and other men want your full attention dedicated to the principle appendage. Balls are pretty well the most sensitive part on the male body, which would technically make them ideal foreplay tools, but how hard and for how long do I rub/suck? And what am I even achieving here? See: A.” -Y
“Seriously. Sex is fun, bodies are messy. Sometimes there are weird squooshy noises, sometimes you fall over when you’re trying a new position, sometimes you get drunk and sleep with your friends. Shit happens. Everybody take a deep breath and relax and this whole being human thing could be so much easier.” -LL
“If you’ve ever tucked a telltale string into your bikini, or used a wad of TP as a makeshift pad, it’s time you treated yourself to a Divacup,the ecological, economical and healthy alternative to tampons and pads. Once you get the hang of the DivaCup technique (it’s tricky at first), you’ll never look back – everything else will seem as bulky, old-fashioned and inconvenient as a 1950s maxi pad.” -HC
“A friend told me once that the best sex she ever had was when she put an ecstasy tablet in her asshole before having vaginal sex. I’m not advising you to do that, I’m just sayin.” -CS
F: First Time
“Doesn’t matter if you lost your virginity over a decade ago, the great thing about sex is that there are always firsts. The more creative you are, the more first times you’ll have.” -CS
“It can be with a one-night stand, a third date, a friend with benefits or a brand new boyfriend – you’ve just had some hot-as-Hades sex, both of you are out of breath and completely exhausted, flat on the bed. Right, now what? Do you roll over and pass out? Should you cuddle up to him or like, crack a joke? Is he putting his pants on because he’s going to the bathroom and your roommates are home, or because he wants to leave now that the deed is done? Is he sleeping over? Someone help.” -Y
“Not everyone has found it, and not everyone will. And that’s okay. Sometimes a sex-ed teacher, or in my case a raunchy 80s porno, will describe finding the G-spot to be like an oozing waterfall, with a litre of juice cascading from your groin. Some women even claim that they can create a water fountain and shoot liquid across the bedroom. Don’t sweat it if you don’t gush, just enjoy the journey whether it’s a solo trip or a partner’s excursion deep within.” -CS
H: Hidden STDs.
“Chlamydia is the most common STI in Canada, and can lead to major health problems, including Pelvic Inflammatory disease and infertility. And according to Health Canada, over half of infected males and 70% (eek!) of infected females have no symptoms and are unaware that they have been infected. This is so preventable! Get tested regularly, use protection, know your body.”-LL
“I wish someone had told me more about these when I was younger. They are a long-term, cost-effective, non-hormonal form of birth control. It’s not for everyone, and the insertion and removal process is a uncomfortable and a bit invasive, but the ten years (ten years!!!) of side-effect free protection in between are amazing. Ask your gynecologist for more information.”-LL
J: Just for you.
“Sex, birth control, and relationships are incredibly personal. You have to figure out what works for YOU, not what looks nice on TV. Try out different forms of birth control, different types of people, different sexual expressions. Read everything you can about people and sexuality and health. Talk to your friends, lovers, and your doctor. Sex and love are huge parts of your life, and they are way too important to just do what you feel like you’re supposed to do. You’ve got to take this stuff into your own hands and figure out what you like best.”-LL
“Kissing rules. Kiss often, kiss well (you know you do, girl!), kiss happy!” -BJ
“LUBE!!! I honestly thought I was broken for the first five years I was having sex. It was always sort of fun, but started to hurt after awhile. Keep a bottle next to your bed, next to his, and one in your car. Don’t feel weird about re-upping a few times during a good fuck. And there are so many different kinds these days– if it feels sticky or gross, just try a few different brands until you find one you like.” -LL
M: Masturbate, masturbate, masturbate.
“I cannot emphasize this enough. It is absolutely the easiest way to get to know yourself. Every girl is different, and the best way to figure out what types of sensations turn you on is to turn down the lights, put on some tunes, and relax by yourself. Wet, dry, fast, slow, hard, soft, clit, penetration, anal play, vibration, standing up, sitting down. Try absolutely everything. Sex is a million times more fun once you’ve had some practice. Would you get up on a Broadway stage without trying out your lines in rehearsal?” -LL
N: No slow jams.
“Ever. Come on now.” -LL
“I wish someone had told me that orgasms get easier to achieve, more frequent, and more fun as you get older. I’ve found that the more I practice (see M), the easier it is to get there with a lover. That said, I like to make an explicit rule with lovers that if one of us doesn’t have an orgasm during a particular session, it’s not a big deal. Sometimes you get there, sometimes you don’t. Play with yourself, figure out what you like, and don’t stress it.” -LL
“I wish Sex Ed had taught me to put pleasure first. Well, maybe safety first. But it just doesn’t make sense to keep it hush-hush that sex ROCKS.” -MB
Q: Queen sized bed.
“Once you leave your first-year university dorms, there is no longer an excuse to own a single bed, ever again. For the rest of your life. Buy some decent sheets, at least two pillows, and for heaven’s sake have room for a comfortable sleepover.” -LL
“I don’t even think light bondage counts as a kink anymore, honestly. Make a safeword, have some safety scissors on hand, and have fun. Twistedmonk.com has some great free starter videos to get you going.” -LL
“Sex is messy. Literally. The sudden puddle of lube, bodily fluids, and unidentified gross which leaks out of you as soon as you stand up after sex? Completely normal. I recently heard a lovely lady describe it as “the swoosh,” which might be my new favorite euphemism. Keep some Baby Wipes near the bed, wash your sheets regularly, and don’t forget to laugh.”-Yank, LL
T: Toy box.
“If they told you anything in Sex Ed, they probably told you all about safe sex and condoms. I keep a cute, discreet little covered basket next to the bed with condoms, lube, and a couple of toys. You need to have condoms and lube next to your bed, and it’s nice to have some other goodies on hand as well.” -LL
“One of the most liberating things that ever happened to me was buying a bra that fit properly. Suddenly, I loved having big tits. Since then, my approach to anything underneath my clothes has been that if I wouldn’t feel comfortable seeing it fall out of the laundry basket at the feet of a swashbuckling sexual conquest, it’s not going anywhere near my ladyparts.” -BJ
“Vaginas are far more complicated than the standard sex ed diagram! It’s important to know what every part of our lady parts is responsible for but there’s so much more to them that can’t be labeled on a piece of paper – the various types of orgasms, the horrible pains of menstrual cramps, the steps that need to be taken before penises can be inserted, etc.” -CH
“Periods, contrary to what I was told in sex ed, are not the defining moment of womanhood – you’ve got so much more womanly growing up to do long after your period arrives. If I had known this when I was 14, I definitely would have re-thought declaring to my entire class that I had just gotten mine that morning.” -CH
X: X-Rated Videos
“X-rated videos are not what sex is actually like. I really wish that there had been some little mention during sex ed that sex isn’t like it is in the movies. If that was the case, I wouldn’t have wandered around thinking guys all have ridiculously large penises and last for 40+ minutes.”-CH
“A huge chunk of the reason I feel confident in bed is because of Youporn.com. When it comes to sex, there are some things that can’t simply be explained to you. Having a visual is totally necessary to most of our questions about getting down and dirty. For example, when I was younger, one of my main concerns was being on top. I wondered “what exactly do I do? How do I move? Back and forth? Side to side? Circular motion?” This is the type of inquiry only a video can answer. Enter into my young life Youporn. The Youtube of the porn world. They call themselves the largest porn site on the internet, thanks to the contributions of sex tapes submitted by everyday people the world over. You can choose from about 60 different categories of types of sex, types of people, whatever. If you can conceive of it in your wildest wackiest dreams, it’s on Youporn. One of my favourite videos I’ve seen on there to date is this heterosexual couple doing it on a couch doggstyle and the girl whips around and grabs the dudes penis and screams in a southern drawl, “come on my face boy, so help me GAWD!!” with a look on her face that is so absolutely manic and tyrannical, a viewer think she was the most terrifying girlfriend in the history of sex videos. Yet, after he comes on her face, the guy puts both his hands on her cheeks and says “you have the prettiest face in this damn city”. And the video ends on that heartwarming note. Hence, one of the reasons I love Youporn.” -KF
“Sex can be fun, scary, liberating, educational, passionate, life-altering, regret-inducing, self-expressing, sloppy, drunk, heart-breaking, intimate, spine-tingling, back-arching, lip-biting, cheek-flushing, heart-stopping, mind-melting, sweet, or all of the above, but most importantly, it’s what you make it. Be safe out there, stay true to yourselves, embrace the humour, and burn some houses down.” -BJ & the rest of the SDTC Bedroom Whisperers.