"Suck the frozen loin!": The best online dating rant you will ever read

We’ve all been there: Driven to heights of frustration by the challenges of finding someone decent to hang out with naked. (IT SHOULD NOT BE THIS HARD!) 

One of our writers re-discovered a rant of epic proportions she posted to her online dating profile many years ago. We’re glad she’s since become a little less rage-y about the world of dating, although we’re almost not, because this is hilarious. Please print it out and post it in your mirror to read like an affirmation the next time the shitty world of internet dating makes you forget how amazing you are, kthx.

“Suck the frozen loin!”

This website fucking sucks, and I’ve fucking had it. I’m really cool and attractive in every way that you could possibly imagine and none of you boring losers in Toronto want to meet up with me. I’ve found some cool-seeming dudes in other cities on here, but it appears that all the guys in Toronto on here are corporate and BORING and play video games and are white guys with short brown hair. Suck my dick while I barf on your head.

Seriously, if you were to roll with me for one night you would have so much fun that your life would never be the same. Your mind would be blown by how amazing my life is. You would probably be intimidated by my amazingness, actually. But no, none of you want to fucking respond to my fucking messages when my profile was all friendly and cute, so fuck this shit.

I don’t want to fucking send little passive messages back and forth forever, maybe one day talk on the phone, possibly never meet in real life. That is such a waste of my time. In my opinion, this site should be like the first step, not the only step. This is so stupid that we have all come to this. All we do is push buttons and sit alone and communicate with people through a screen. How the hell am I supposed to know how I feel about you if I can’t talk with you face to face? Talking with someone for one second can tell you more than chatting online a million times ever will. All it takes is like two fucking seconds of being around someone, and reading your really long, over-edited profile is not going to tell me jack shit.

Why the fuck does everyone just want to chat and blah blah blah? What the fuck is that going to do for me? Nothing. Fucking nothing at all. A waste of my time and blue balls(vag), that’s all chatting does for me. Chatting fucking sucks. I’m not an alien. I want to have actual real life experiences where we sit face to face and if you don’t want to fucking see me ever again after 2 minutes then you can just say “Ok, well actually I gotta go now…..” and then you can leave and you don’t have to see me ever again!!! What the fuck are people so fucking scared of?? If you meet someone and you don’t like them just say goodbye and leave!!!!!

And if that happens and then I go home and take it really personally that you reject me, than thats because of me, not because of you. And the same thing goes for you to, if I meet you and then I don’t like you and I leave, don’t take it personally. I’ve rejected you because of what I want, not because of who you are.

People take things too personally, people are too afraid and they don’t take enough risks and thats why we’re miserable and alone and looking for love on the fucking internet. Really, what would be the worst that could happen? I know maybe people have shyness and stuff, but like actually what is the worst that could happen by meeting a stranger in public for 5 minutes?? Get over it! You don’t like me and then you leave, big fucking deal. Fucking pussies. Eat my fucking asshole. Oh, and eat my shit while you’re there.”

Various responses from other online daters:

“Well, it is the internet. The people who are here are oftentimes socially inept, fear social contact (especially in person), and rarely have the ability to take chances. You’re probably a bit too straightforward for them, even though they obviously have nothing to lose just by meeting you. I’d say your approach is admirable, especially considering the way most people are online (easily offended, afraid, etc), and wish girls in my area were the same way.”

“If your personality remotely resembles this post, it’s no wonder you are desperately looking for men to meet you and not succeeding. They probably sensed your irrationality and drama-queen personality a mile away and ran for the hills. Is it possible you are not nearly as cool or attractive as you think you are? No – must not be the case – every man in the giant city of Toronto is to blame. That certainly makes much more sense.”

“Flergy’s grandmother is a size queen. Passive aggressive little cunt. And fuck the rest of these idiots too, right in the mouth.”

“I completely agree; And this post was a complete turn-on. I’m glad I didn’t just stop when reading your profile, I wanted to see what your angle was. For the record, I’m into meeting people, but no one has wanted to. My profile isn’t ‘over-edited’, I did it in one go.. But yours is still way better. Not even sarcastic. Message me, I can never think of a good subject line.”

“I’ll meet you.”

Post Comment