Hali Hamilton has a job at TIFF and a film degree. Monica Heisey is, scientifically speaking, the worst person to watch movies with in the world. Yesterday they sat down together to talk through 1998’s spooky-yet-spicy Halloween treat, Practical Magic. The plot is a tale as old as time: two sisters (both witches) must team up to defeat a mean ghost exboyfriend and a curse that kills any man they fall in love with. Easy, breezy, beautiful, and full of vintage Sandra Bullock stammering at men. Let’s go.

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Monica: So, classic bedtime story opening, although questioning how appropriate this “adulterous woman being hanged” tale is for sleep time? To be fair it is classy as shit to banish someone to an island. Cool move, pilgrims.

Hali: OK, so men who love the Owens women are cursed to die tragically, and a beetle will tell you when.

Monica: Yes, very chill story. “When you hear the sound of the death bug, the man you love is doomed to die. Now put on these black velvet dresses and go live with Rizzo from Grease.”

Hali: “Witch witch, you’re a bitch.” These neighbourhood kids are rude.

Monica: Just saying, if they don’t want witch rumours around, maybe don’t wear such intense hats all the time.

Monica: “His favourite shape will be a star.” Baby Bullock knows what she wants from an anti-love spell.

Hali: TRIVIA- the young Sandy Bullock is a young Camilla Belle, a woman known only for dating people.

Monica: Thank god you’re here! Great trivia! Her brows have not come in yet. Where in SB’s career trajectory is this jewel of film?

Hali: Still in the earth’s stratosphere (subtle Gravity reference); pre-Miss Congeniality, but post-Speed 2. She was in recovery mode. OK, so Sandy’s husband is dead and Nikki Kidman is running off with the guy that I remembered being Benicio del Toro, but who is actually Dr. Kovac from ER. Yes?

Monica: Correct. Now Sandy lives with her witch aunts but her children “will never do magic.” Poor Man’s Benicio has the WORST accent and… wants to pee with Nicole?

Hali: He says he’s kidding about going to the bathroom together but I DUN THINK SO. V. controlling.

Monica: “Jimmy Angelov” is clearly the worst news. He’s like Professor Snape via Nickelback/Creed. And he’s mansplaining literature to these cool-ass witches.

Hali: Is he BRANDING HER WITH HIS RING? Oh wait, Sandy just schooled him and saved her sister.

Monica: If someone tried to brand my sister I would do more than school them in literary history. I’m glad he’s been poisoned. Budget Chuck Bass needs to take a dirt nap.

Hali: Is there no spell to spirit away this asshole’s body? Resurrection vs. dig a hole. Come on guys.

Monica: I just want Hecate to show up like “Girls, no. he’s not worth it.”

Hali: Stockard Channing and Dianne Wiest are casting a spell to make margaritas, which is obviously perfect. Fun fact: they all got drunk on cheap tequila for that scene. Nicole brought it.

Monica: If a bunch of women getting drunk and telling Family Truths is what a coven looks like I am DEF a witch. Okay, the police know Jimmy Murderface is missing, and Officer Hearthrob is reporting for duty. He’s going to interrogate Sandra at her herbs store.

Monica: If the entire town hates you and is constantly chanting at your children, why not pack up and move your Magical L’Occitane to New York?

Hali: Yeah, your bougie placenta potion would be a big hit there.

Monica: Big Reveal- Sandra’s fancy store sells dick cream. She is living her dream as the Martha Stewart of dick creams.

Hali: I’d say she’s more of the Juliette Binoche in Chocolat of dick creams: sexy with a side of artisanal magic.

Monica: I can’t stop thinking about the scene where Nicole wears a bellychain to the PTA.

Monica: K this officer is under arrest for murdering my HEART and branding my soul, no wonder SB’s kids are super jazzed about replacing their recently deceased father w/ a hot stranger from another town.

Hali: Almost as jazzed as I am about their costume budget being spent exclusively at La Cache. The aunts have left… do you think they ran out of money and were like “Well, we can’t afford Rizzo anymore, so let’s just write the old gals out of it for a while”?

Monica: “Our hat budget is gone, it’s unrealistic to presume she’d wear the same hat more than once. Send her away.”

Hali: Oh no, shit has hit the fan. Ghost boyfriend wants revenge. We need the aunts!!

Monica: Is he Temple of Doom-ing Officer Babely’s heart?!?!

Hali: Hahaha DID YOU KNOW that bad guy ghosts react to sheriff badges the same way vampires do to crosses? Wait, a star is a pentagram….is Aiden Quinn a witch too? The Hats return to save the day with a classic seance, and SB & AQ are in love, somehow curse-free.

Monica: I am all about how much this movie fails the Bechdel test for men. Does this make me a misandrist? I’m vaguely tempted to exorcise my life of men in general and spend my days mixing herbs, getting drunk on ghost tequila, and doing séances with formerly antagonistic townspeople.

Hali: Yeah the town loves them now, because they called everyone like, “We’re a coven, you were right! Come over for an exorcism plz my sister is possessed by a greaser.” All the bullying over hundreds of years was just the townspeople crying out for authenticity! #beyourself

Monica: Imagine THE Craft was just like, crochet?

Hali: Goodnight, Monica.

Follow Hali & Monica on twitter: @halihamilton, @monicaheisey