How much I hate my jacket. How much I want to splurge on a new jacket.
My eyebrows. My hair. My glasses. My bank account. Not working out for two days. Eating that Toblerone. Eating those chips. Eating more chips. Drinking beer. Drinking more beer. Drinking a mimosa and then moving back to beer.
My back hurt. My purse was too heavy. That guy. That guy who smiled at me and made me drop my cell phone. The girl who was prettier than me. That other girl that was prettier than me. My bank account. Eating more chips. Waking up from a genuinely horrible dream. A cockroach in my hallway. That pigeon. That fucking pigeon.
Taking too many taxis. Half a litre of wine. The fact that we lost touch. He never called. Too much cream in my coffee. Running late and grabbing another taxi. Being too hot. Being cold. Forgetting my phone charger. Missing him. Missing her. Hair. Glasses. Dirty dishes. Dirty laundry. Hair. She’s pretty. I WANT A NEW JACKET. I hate my clothes. My bank account. My glasses. I hate my clothes. She’s pretty. He smiled. I didn’t.
This is everything I stressed about this weekend.
I wrote a letter to my Grandma and told her all about it. I wrote it in my journal because I knew I’d never send it. I missed her. I imagined her reaction to reading it. She’d call me and tell me I was weird and wonderful. She’d tell me about the book she was reading. We’d misunderstand each other and we’d laugh. It would be simple. It would be lovely.
I thought about missing people. I thought about why we missed them. And it had nothing to do with their hair or their eyebrows. It had nothing to do with their jacket.
I thought about last night–about sitting around my friends’ cozy apartment. We shared a joint and talked about life and love and our parents and the best trips we’d ever taken. We talked about their dog while it sat in my lap and isn’t it nice how much pure joy being around a dog can bring?
I never even noticed what they were wearing. I noticed how much we genuinely laughed.
Hot tea. Hearing the wind and not being cold. Leftover potato chips. My jacket is fine. Clean sheets! My best friend calling from China. My notebook. New neighbours. New concert tickets. My eyebrows look fine. Breaking Bad. A text just to say hello. That Instagram photo. Long-awaited sunburns. Tired eyes and wild weekends. Their wedding invitation. That California map.
My life is wonderful. I miss you. I’m happy. My jacket is fine.