In 1965, on a rainy afternoon in a quaint town in England–Willy Wonka, Harley Davidson and Kate Bush had a threesome and the product of this raunchy intercourse was my darling British mother Claire. Moms are odd, fabulous, neurotic and heart-warming, but mine is a genuine weirdo, and this is why weird moms are the best.
WEIRD MUMS TEXT YOU INTERESTING ARTICLES
Picking up on articles everyone else forgets to read, weird moms are information resources to the world. They see an article about the crumbling communication of society, BBC hummus recalls or interesting facts about humming birds and they immediately text you about it as if it’s breaking news. These articles are almost always accompanied by texts with the subject lines, “Interesting article I found” and, “Watch out for hummus.” Thanks Mum xo.
WEIRD MUMS CAN READ MINDS
Dogs will wait by a door ten minutes before an owner arrives home. Likewise, my mum has a sixth sense when I’m about to call her crying over something typically related to media events, more media events or media events. She’ll often pick up the phone and say something like, “I had a feeling you were going to call.” This sixth sense could also be called “call display” but that’s okay. It’s supernatural and weird, and I love it.
WEIRD MUMS GET FAIRY TATTOOS
“Sparky” is the name of the tattoo artist who tattooed a half-naked mythical fairy on my mum’s lower hip in 2007. Sparky works at Urge Tattoo and will forever be remembered in my family as the tattoo artist who inked my mother’s lower half. Thanks Sparky.
WEIRD MUMS FART UNCONTROLLABLY
Farting is a by-product of joy and indigestion and defined the invisible security of our family’s living room. Growing up, my mum was so full of life that life became indigested and turned into gas, prompting her to fly into the air and lift off into space at any given moment. She is an astronaut of radical human combustion and would have made for a successful professional basketball player if her farts had been utilized for slam-dunks.
WEIRD MUMS HAVE GREAT LIFE ADVICE
Here is a list of everything my mum has ever told me: Hate is a very strong word. Advertisements are first-world rape. You don’t have to love your family. “Jessie and I,” not “Me and Jessie.” All sickness can be cured by a cup of tea and toast. Everyone has problems. Marriage is harder than it looks. It’s okay to be weird. Women intuitively know by the third date if a partner is right for them–men know by the sixth or seventh date. Alone time is important. Stop saying sorry all the time. Mindy Kaling is the best writer of all time. Amy Poehler is alright. Listening is a full-time job. Love is complicated. Parents don’t always love their children. Nobody is perfect. Colin Firth is really handsome. Toss it! Don’t settle. A charmer is a harmer. Pay more attention to your dreams. Creativity is very important. “Worser” is not a word.. Do what feels right. We’re all trying to figure things out. Senior discount is the best thing ever, especially at Shopper’s Drug Mart. Good dogs are impossible to replace. Perverts are everywhere. Ellen DeGeneres is funny and not mean.
WEIRD MUMS HAVE TERRIBLE DREAMS ABOUT YOU THEN CALL YOU TO MAKE SURE YOU’RE NOT DEAD
Every three months, I get a phone call at 11am, followed by a text with the subject line, “Bad Dream–Call me NOW.” Every time she falls asleep, my mum goes on a 5-star vacation; she has brunch with celebrities, meetings with presidents and she hosts fancy soirees with the contestants in the Bachelorette. She also regularly dreams about my brother, my dad and me. Or Willy Wonka. Her dreams are so real that she’ll call to make sure I’m safe and haven’t drowned in a chocolate waterfall. “Yes Mom, I’m drinking coffee and sighing like everyone else on Tuesday morning. Still alive.”
WEIRD MUMS CAN LAUGH WITH YOU ABOUT TERRIBLE THINGS
Death is traumatic. Life is traumatic. With all the problems in the world, things get really depressing, so my mum and I take a moment to feel awful, then we make a joke and laugh about how dark and twisted we are. Death is morbid. Cancer is everywhere. Disease is around the corner. So let’s say, “Sod it!” and laugh. There’s a Sarah Silverman lighting to every dark and horrible situation out there. And I’d much rather be laughing than crying over it with my weird mum.
WEIRD MUMS READ EVERTHING YOU READ
My mum has very good taste in books. Quietly, everywhere, in all places, she’s reading–Kindle Books, audiobooks, real books, newspapers, cheesy magazines and travel brochures. My mum reads all the books that I read because she is obsessed with me and that’s what love is: reading books your daughter reads because you love what she loves. Next on my mum’s reading list is: Sarah Silverman’s Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption and Pee. Oprah would be jealous if she knew how fast my mum can read.
WEIRD MUMS HAVE AWESOME HOBBIES
Alongside her love of motorcycles, chocolates and tattoos, my mum is BIG into sewing. She sews hats, scarves, accessories, Bob Marley beanies and jackets. She even listens to Pit Bull and Taylor Swift while speed sewing. One year, she sewed my friends nose warmers, which doubled as “willy warmers.” Most recently, my mum learned how to swim. She calls me and tells me about how she “swam all by herself” and she wears stylish swim caps with big bright flowers and polka dots on it. Point being, weird mums have cool hobbies and get excited about things like colouring, swimming and eccentric Parisian hats. Dope.
So do your weird mum a favour and buy her a motorcycle. Or a bag of chocolate. Whatever her weird vice is, let her have it. She deserves it. And remember to count your blessings and thank the clouds that even moms have tattoos. And that’s rad.