Bring On the Men!

“He likes it when I wear a mask and tell him to spank me hard”
– Does he?

“Fuck no; he wouldn’t screw me while I have my period! GROSS!"
– Have you tried?

“He shrugs me off when I try to hold his hand, and nothing makes me angrier!

Yes…we have different points of view, and sometimes what we think is a huge turn on isn’t or how we deal with tough issues in a relationship seems ludicrous to the men in our life. Rather than continuing to bitch over wine and wonder WTF is going on in their heads, we decided to start up the “GUYS TALK” section.

I chose three experienced men, representing a range of ages – to help lend us some insight into their minds and cocks.

Meet Alan Batrosee, Vincent Darkloom and John Smith; the men who will hope broaden your sexual horizons and make your bf want to get down on his knees begging for more. (or so we hope)


Alan Batrosee:

What makes a chick wild in bed?
Thank you, that’s the end, I’ll be here all night folks…

I would begin by starting off oddly, with what someone revealed to me as a sacred rule of improv comedy. To preface this and to be clear; I have never been in bed with someone who does comedy improv. And now for the rule: “In the performance you never say ‘no’ you say, ‘and then.’"

My “wild” is therefore that unpredictable things are happening when you are both in the heat of the moment and some of it is really good. And maybe at some moments when you are really going for it you both would get a "standing ‘o’" and a pat on the butt if it was baseball not sex, know what I mean? Or to put it into a lamer non-sports way; a woman initiating something new in bed can be a liminal experience that makes me feel I have been handed the keys to the sex school. That is really a mixed metaphor but if you don’t play a sport, be one.

Vincent Darkbloom:

"What makes a chick wild in bed?" I believe this question was first taken up by Socrates, revised by Kant, and I thought Wittgenstein had the final word. Nevertheless, it seems the torch has been passed to us.

The baseline quality for wildness to me, though, relates to the word "wild": untamed, savage, animalistic. Ideally, for a little while, we should forget that we’re two humans who, on either side of this physical activity, are probably having a somewhat strained conversation about the presidential election or the last episode of "The Office." Instead, we’re two wild animals going at it. And what do animals do? Well, one thing they do is make noises. And by "noises" I don’t mean canned dirty talk they’ve likely internalized from bad movies–you know, "Oh, fuck me," "Yes, right there," "Why are you wearing my bra?" Instead, I’m looking for guttural sounds, ecstatic moans, pleasurable cries of surprise at seeing you wearing her bra. Men are generally considered visual creatures, women, aural, but I recently read about a study I now can’t locate which stated that male chimpanzees were far more likely to ejaculate when their female partners were louder during intercourse. It’s not surprising, and it’s also kind of strange to think of scientists studying the orgasmic sonics of chimpanzee sex.

John Smith:

I think girls take on this rough, Truth or Dare Madonna alter ego in the bedroom in a misguided quest to be kinky. Aggresively jumping on a dude’s cock and asking them to yell your name or acting out a rape fantasy is "wild" I guess but, to me at least, a little unfcomfortable too. If I’m sleeping with you I probably like you so I don’t think you’re my "bitch" or view you as a "slut". If we’re going to go the role-play route we can do better than domination and submission, right? Naughty secretary/teacher/nurse is a good one.

I’m with both guys, and the Chimp too I suppose, on the loud business. Makes me fell like a stud. Ladies, a word of advice: You will never go wrong appealing to a man’s ego. Does he have a huge dick? No? Doesn’t matter. Moaning "It’s so big" will make him feel like he’s pleasing you and if I have a point, that’s it. Ever read that Men are From Mars Women are From Venus book? Me neither, but I recall hearing that the main thrust of the book was that guys get off on making a girl happy and I think that’s fairly true. We enjoy making dinner plans, getting concert tickets and sharing little-known nooks of the city with women we like. You having a good time is all we want in return. Same holds true in bed. We get off by getting you off. Oh, and naked with high heels and a big necklace is a really, really good look.

Alan Batrosee:

I love it when women tell you that what is happening is hot and new to them or beyond good. If they are the most likely of people to be Samantha Jones on Sex and the City that compliment becomes a Nobel Prize. Some women are not going to talk that way though. Luckily it is easy to guess that things are wild for her if we have bounced off the furniture and are behaving like jungle cats on the floor.

With a new person you cannot guess what she likes or rejects, I love that unpredictability about sex. I find it so weird that all the books I have read about sexual technique for guys say to clearly ask a woman what they want and to do a" check in" with them during foreplay. I have never experienced a time where that would ever be greeted with anything but deathly silence or scorn. I am therefore convinced the people who write these sex manuals for men are sleeping with cult chicks.

The analysis:

So you want to be wild in bed?? MAKE SOME FUCKING NOISE! Yelp, moan, scream and shout. Call his name while you stick your stiletto pump high in the air and beg him for more. Whenever in doubt – “Wow, you’ve got a nice cock – oh oh…it almost hurts, you’re so b-i-i-i-i-g! Awww fuck, that feels good!”…works every time 😉

Lessons learned:

‘Wild’ doesn’t necessarily mean kinky, experimental or rough – it means animalistic, raw and full of exciting energy.
Lastly, don’t assume that your demented fantasy is the same for everyone else.

I love it when guys talk.

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