Ladies, I am upset. And I do not get upset easily. I like to think I have the patience of a kindergarten teacher, actually. Of an animated kindergarten teacher. I am as unrufflable as Ruffle chips aren’t (???). But, woof! I need to get something off of my freezing, pale, dry-desert chest: this has been a LOOOOOOOOONG winter and I have had ENUFF ALREADY.

Obviously everything is Big Picture “fine.” I’m warm and alive and sitting in front of my computer, so already my internal First World Problem alarm is on Red Alert. But even as I remind myself of this, and of how lucky I am in general; as the latest blizzard descends on TO on this first day of spring, it’s hard to stop myself from going Full Tantrum on winter’s ass.

Now I don’t know how you are coping, but I really wish you the very best. I hope that you are still charmed by the falling flakes of freezing snow; that you are loving every one of your sweaters and are still fully excited about “layered looks;” that you have an adorable pink-cheek-fresh-air flush, which of course fades once indoors to reveal the healthy complexion you’ve managed to maintain from your cozy nook in the house where you are still so totally into hibernating. I really hope that’s where you’re at right now. I was there once. But something has changed. My Dec-Mar romance with Old Man Winty has soured and frankly, I want him to pack up his CDs and get out of my apartment (“CDs,” Tess?).

I mean, granted, I should have known this day would come, just as I should know by now that if my eyes well up in the first five and last 20 minutes of every TV show I watch, my period is about to bust out of my bod. But somehow I have been caught unawares, and now I need to cull my remaining positivity, and draft up some sort of plan for dealing with the remainder of the freeze-sease. So for myself, and for any other poor souls out there who are in the same boat as I (i.e. “The Maid of the Mist…er Old Man Winter Please Get Your Act Together and Tell Sexy Virile Spring To Come To Town!” ), I hope that the following helps us find some solace.

SURVIVING THE LONG-WINTER BLUES

1. As Elaine Benes would say: “Get out!!!”
So, it’s cold outside. And it’s warm inside. The facts would seem to speak for themselves re: where to spend the majority of the winter season. But a fun thing that I’m learning is that constant hibernation does not necessarily equal constant happiness, if it comes at the cost of me becoming a hermit who Googles “gravy how?” and “bed sores” all day. It’s time to face that bitter wind and sleet and greet the Canadian elements (and I don’t mean our Snow/ Raine Maida playlists. The real things). Let’s bundle up, grab a Mayan Hot Chocolate from SOMA, and confront this foe head-on. Our cheeks will get pink-sans-blush, and I’m sure we will feel refreshed, and ultimately less at-odds with the venerable force that is Mama Nature. (I want to write some kind of joke about how we’re all in Big Mama’s House, but I also really don’t want to, so I hope you can understand…)

2. Move yo bod
#2 starts where #1 left off, not only encouraging you/me/us to get outside and move, but also just to move, in general. It is so easy to get physically stagnant in the winter and emotionally follow suit. But I was reminded last week at the SDTC Stay Golden party of how very good it feels to sweat. Not only did the night of sweaty dancing feel physically phenomenal as a release for my tightie, whitie bod, it also evoked genuine muscle-memories of sweating it out on a hot, summer’s day! So in these last days of winter, let’s get to the gym, go to a yoga class, or simply get up off of that thing (uh!), and dance ‘til we feel better (yeah), get up off of that thing (woo!) and try to relieve that pressure (can you feel me?)! It sometimes takes more activation energy to work up a sweat in the winter months, but that hit of endorphins might be all we need to put a spring in our collective steps, before spring gets wise, and steps in!

3. Be gentle, my doves
You are beautiful. You are talented, and smart. You are a sex-goddess who is wonderful to be around. Your hair is just the right length and you look great in your clothes. Sweaters especially become you. Sometimes it’s important to pull a this girl and ramp yourself up with some love. Because boy oh boy, I don’t know about you, but this non-stop seasonal greyness tends to give my self-esteem some challenges. And ladies, we have to understand: this time of year is very difficult. That’s why Reading Week and Spring Break and Family Day all exist, isn’t it? To cut us all some slack in this trying sprint at the end-of-winter finish line. So please, I beg of you: be good to yourselves, and go out of your way to recognize the ways in which you’re amazing (and I’ll do the same). After all: we’re still the same bad ass bitches who feel confident, beautiful, and sun-kissed as we ride around the city on our peddle bikes in the summer. We just have more layers on now, is all.

4. Hibernaysh variaysh.
By this time of year, it’s easy to feel that I’ve exhausted my indoor activity-options. I’ve given my Netflix account some dizzying and contradictory data (Recommended for You: “Babar?”), I’ve seen probably every thing on the internet (this site, guys!), and I’ve learned how to make a few very nice deli salads. Well, winter is somehow still not over! And as such, it might be time to get creative with cave-dwelling downtime, and think outside of the box whilst staying in. Some options for this are: hosting a games night for International Tabletop Day (who knew?)! Having a crafternoon! Reading all of the books! Reorganizing the house!! Filing taxes?! Learning Spanish!!!?? Although it doesn’t always feel like it, there is still a mucho huge-o unexplored world of cave-fun to be had indoors, so let’s put on some chic spelunking gear (a headlamp I guess?) and dig in! Si?

5. SALE-a-brate good times, come on.
I’m not one to really advocate shop-therapy, buuuut we are in a unique posish here with this drawn-out winter. That being: winter clothing is marked way down, while still being totally weather-apropos! It might just be time to take that walk (see #1) to a neighborhood boutique to say “ay matey” to that pirate-blouse you have been eyeing all winter, which is now 70% off; and then sport your hot new digs on the dance floor (see #2) and aren’t we already feeling thawed and like a pirate? Again, I feel funny about recommending shop-therapy, but if the shoe fits, and it is truly an investment in quality of life, maybe it’s okay to buy that shoe!

6. Vitamin DEEEE PLEEEEASE
So, I guess the sun has this thing it gives to us. And that thing makes us feel more positive and energetic and whole. But we can also get this thing from our local drug store and still sometimes forget to do it!? Guys! Vitamin D me over here! The pills typically come in 1000 IUD-strength and as far as vitamins and supplements go, are very affordable: about 5$ for 100. And according to my herbalist, a day in the sun contains over 10k IUDs of Vitamin D, so if you’re not getting out and about as much in the colder weather, you could be a few thousand IUDs deficient! While we’re stocking up, why not Multis and Cs as well?! It couldn’t hurt. Maybe we can even cash in on our Optimum points to buy some fun bonus Glowtion? Shoppersssssssss <3 <3 <3!!!

7. Strength in Parkas
What Luba Goy and co. really nail in this timeless Air Farce sketch is that not only do we live in a hella-cold country, we also unite as a nation over our collective coldness. And there is some relief in that. If we are irritable, or cold, or fed up, at least we are among fine company, living in an altogether incredible country. And it is 100% okay to lean on each other for consolation and support to get through. We’re a tough, resilient lot descended from many tough, resilient lots before. By virtue of simply being Canadians, I know we can weather this weather. Together.

(th)awwwwww….