I’m a single gal looking for love and I’m also a raging feminist so I meet guys really easily. When I’m itching to, you know, make some sexy time, do the funky chicken, dance the horizontal hokey pokey, partake in a Richard Gere (did I make that last one up?), I go to the club and seek out men who also believe in equality and equal rights for both genders. No biggie.
Of course the best place to find lots of dude feminists is in the clubbing district because it’s basically just a women’s rights conference. That’s why men are always hooting and hollering in support of the cause. They’re saying things like “Yeah take it off! Or don’t, I believe in your right to choose!!” and “Hey cutie… vote lately?” So in order to give those dude feminists a leg up, and get them one step closer to partaking in their own night of Richard Gere-ing (Is this catching on?), I wrote a list of pick-up lines that they could use when making a move on feminist ladies like myself. If a man used one of these on me, well… let’s just say that my Gere would potentially be Richarded. Gentlemen friends, pop on a deep V and keep one of these on the back burner for later:
- Is that a mirror in your pocket? Because I can see myself getting your consent for intercourse.
- I better get a library card because I am checking you out… a copy of The Feminine Mystique.
- Are your legs tired? Because you’ve been in my mind all day running for senate.
- You don’t need a car to drive me crazy, restrictive abortion bills already do that.
- I need to get some air because you just took my breath away. Did you fart? If you did that’s hilarious. Women can also be gross for the purposes of comedy, just like men.
- Can I borrow your phone? My mom wanted me to call her when I met the woman of my dreams. You’re Hillary Clinton right? You could be. You’re just as powerful.
- Are you a genie? Because I could see you making my dreams of eliminating the wage gap come true.
- Do you have a raisin? No how about a date… rape drug? No? Me neither, obviously. It’s terrible that I have to say that at all.
- If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put I and U And D together. IUDs are important.
- Did you sit in a pile of sugar? Because you have a pretty sweet career objective. I like your hustle.
- If I were a stop light, I’d want to turn red every time you passed by, just so I could stare at you a bit longer, but I wouldn’t, because the male gaze can be a very oppressive thing.
- I know milk does a body good, but baby how much have you been drinking? Said a mother rightfully breastfeeding in public.
- Damn girl, if not obeying gender conventions were a crime, you would be guilty as charged!
- Damn girl, you have more positive body image than a Dove commercial!
- Damn girl, your legs are as long as the patriarchy has been in power and that’s super long!
- Kiss me if I’m wrong, but I think slut shaming is cool. I’m very wrong.
- Do you have a bandage? I hurt my knee when I fell in love with my subscription to Bitch Magazine.
- Can you make me the happiest man in the world and come with me to a movie that passes The Bechdel test?
- Do you know what I did last night? I looked up at the stars and matched each one with a Judith Butler theory.
- Can I be the Jean-Paul Sartre to your Simone de Beauvoir?
Richard my Gere, baby. (GET ON BOARD, GUYS!)