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An Open Letter to My Dudes

Dudes, I have startling news about your sexual interactions with ladies, both on- and off-line. For some of you this will be strange and confusing. Please, bear with me. If it helps, pretend that I am also a dude, sharing with you the knowledge that I have gained over many years of dude-ing. You may call me TJ. That’s a super dudely name, right? The name of a dude you could have some cold brewskies with. TJ loves a cold brewskie. Well, listen to TJ, because TJ is going to explain some things to you.

  1. Your ex-girlfriend who said she liked it when you sucked on her clitoris really hard? She may not have been strictly truthful. Sometimes ladies will say things because they do not want to hurt your feelings; however, even if she was totally honest, she does not speak for every lady you may find yourself in bed with. This leads to our second point:
  2. Not every woman you sleep with is going to like the same things. Thus, if your current partner tells you she does not like something you are doing in bed, the response, “Well, everybody else does!” is in fact radically irrelevant. It does not matter if every other woman on the planet really, really likes it when you ram your fingers into her vagina like you are trying to extract oil. This one does not, and thus you should not do it to her.
  3. If you are unsure of what a woman you are sleeping with is into, you can ask her. This goes for everybody, as a matter of fact. You do not have to fumble around in the dark wondering if that sort of grunt your partner just made was a “yes keep doing that” grunt or a “damn it, that was my cervix” grunt. You can ask! And then you can tell your partner what you’re into and then you can both DO THE THINGS YOU ARE INTO. This may sound radical, but I promise it actually ends up being pretty damn fun. Nobody will burst into flames from this! Well, maybe a few people. But few enough to make it worth the risk!
  4. Just because a woman is interested in seeing you a second time after sleeping with you does not mean she is trying to trap you into a relationship. It is possible she just wants to bang you again. It is also possible that she just thinks you’re an interesting, fun person and would like to hang out and see where it goes. If you do not feel the same way, feel free to tell her so, rather than simply ignoring her. If she responds badly, you have still done the right thing, and in the long run, she will think better of you. Most women react well to being treated like functional adults.
  5. Though your penis is certainly excellent, it is probably not magical. Very few women will have an orgasm from penetration alone. This does not indicate that there is something wrong with those women—rather, it is an opportunity for you to get good at things that do not involve sticking your penis into a person repeatedly. You can use the communication skills we talked about earlier to find out what the person you’re with enjoys! Remember, not all women will like the same thing, just like you don’t like the same thing all dudes like. If you talk to ladies you’re sleeping with, even as you’re sleeping with them, everybody will have a good time.
  6. If a lady is bisexual, it does not mean she wants to have a threesome or make out with your girlfriend in front of you. It is very uncomfortable for everyone involved when you try to make this happen. It is not going to happen. Stop it. Stop. If you really want to have a threesome, first get super, super good at having a twosome, and also get super, super good at behaving respectfully to ladies. Once you are really, really good at that, it is possible, but not guaranteed, that you may develop enough personal charisma to pull off arranging a threesome.
  7. Remember, my bros, that ladies are people. They have thoughts and fully formed personalities and ideas, just like you do. Imagine that ladies are like bros you also want to sleep with, and who may want to sleep with you. You respect your bros, right? Respect ladies, too.

Feel free to print this list and refer to it as you’re interacting with ladies you may potentially be boning. TJ is here for you. TJ wants you to succeed. TJ wants everybody to have cold brewskies and a good time.

Go forth, my bros; let TJ’s words guide you.

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