Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

Dear Jennifer,

I am finding it extremely hard to move on from my ex-boyfriend. We broke up about two months ago after being stuck in a really unhealthy cycle of me dumping all my insecurities on him, him feeling like he couldn’t make me happy, and lots of fighting. Following the breakup, I have decided to take a long and hard look at myself, and how I can start to feel better about myself so I don’t need to use my romantic partners to feel good about myself. However, I am finding it really hard to move on from this relationship. I really felt like he was the “one” and at 30 I’m starting to become really concerned that there’s not a lot of time left. I have been on a couple of dates, but find myself constantly comparing them to him. To complicate matters, he has given me so many mixed messages that he would be open to trying again, but has taken this back when he feels pressure from my constant questioning. Right now, we are in the process of trying to be friends and I am hoping that this might be able to create a new beginning for us. Am I risking too much by keeping him in my life? What advice would you have for someone for letting go? How do you get over the person you truly love? Is it even possible to believe you can feel this way again for someone?

-Josephine

Dear Josephine,

I am standing up and giving you a standing ovation! Good for you for making the decision to look inside, and for making the commitment to learn how to feel better about yourself from the inside. The only way you are ever going to be sustainably happy is if it comes from within. So many people think that once they find a relationship partner they will finally be happy. This is not the way it works. The better you feel on the inside the better your external relationships will be reflected back to you. You are taking a step in the right direction and it’s great that you are starting to look within for happiness.

From your question, I am hearing two things. 1) You want to stay friends in hopes to rekindle your romance 2) You want to let go of the relationship. You can’t let go if you are still attached to getting back together. No wonder you are having a hard time letting go and moving on from the relationship if you are still attached to the idea of getting back together. If you want to let go, you must make a decision to let go and commit to your decision. Ask yourself, is staying friends with him helping you let go or is it keeping you stuck?

I sense some fear in you about being 30 and unhitched. Are you trying to make this relationship work because you feel you “should” be with “the one” by now? Do you truly love this man or do you want to be with him because you feel like you need to make it work because there are few fish left in the sea and your clock is ticking? Ask yourself if you are coming from a place of fear and panic or a place of faith. You always want to come from a place of faith. I am not saying that fear is bad and that you should push it away. What I am saying is that you must bring faith to your fear and know that everything will always work itself out. There are lots of guys out there and if you are holding onto one out of fear, you are keeping yourself from moving forward and seeing all the opportunities right in front of you. When you don’t trust in the process you stay stuck and create unnecessary pain and discomfort for yourself.

Getting over a relationship can take time. The healing of your heart is a process. Everyone is different and people cope and heal in different ways. What I can tell you is you must take care of yourself, your feelings and your needs. What do you need to help you let go? What thoughts, beliefs or actions do you need to change or let go of? What are some things you can do for you? Imagine yourself as a small child, scared and alone and afraid of letting go, what would you need to hear or what would you need to know in order to feel taken care of? Mother yourself and shower yourself with love. As the song goes, “Breaking up is hard to do” and it can be very difficult and painful, therefore at this time YOU really need YOU more than ever and you must really take care of YOU.

If you want to let go of him: You might want to cut off ties for the time being so that your heart can heal, you can see that you will be okay without him and learn to be on your own. It might even help you get really clear on what it is you want in a relationship and if he is even someone that you want to be with. If it is meant to be it will be. However, as long as you are sitting on the fence with the relationship you will not be able to let go. Once you commit to letting go, it will be much easier and you can begin to take steps to heal your heart.

You can love again and you can feel this way again. All you have to do is believe and have faith that you will find love again and know in your heart that something even better is waiting for you.