How To Talk to the Man Who is Talking to the Woman Wearing Headphones

Yesterday I had the privilege of reading an article by Mr. Dan Bacon, who describes himself as a “relationship expert.” This article was called “How To Talk to a Woman Who is Wearing Headphones.” As an expert in human interactions, I was super excited to see what tips and tricks my fellow expert had to share with the world.

On reading his article though, I was forced to conclude that Mr. Bacon may in fact not be an expert in human interactions. This does not mean his advice is necessarily useless; however, Dan Bacon must have based his advice on something. We can all plainly see it is not based on good ways to interact with living human women, so I have concluded that his guide is based on how he himself wishes to be treated. Thus, with some minor tweaks, this article can become a very useful guide on how to interact with Dan Bacon.

  1. Stand in front of Dan Bacon, approximately 1-1.5 metres away. Remain in front of him, no matter which direction he turns in. Surround Dan Bacon at this distance. This allows Dan Bacon to gradually become aware of your presence and realize that you wish to interact with him.
  2. Smile at Dan Bacon. Do not blink. Simply smile and smile and smile. Let your jaw crack open like the jaw of a snake. This shows that you are relaxed and confident.
  3. If Dan Bacon still shows signs of being unaware of your presence, such as yelping in fear, spinning wildly, or attempting to escape from the omnipresent circle you have formed around him, simply wave your hand slowly in his line of vision. Smile. Always smile. Say to him, “Hello Dan Bacon. I wish to speak with you.” This will put him at ease.
  4. When you have Dan Bacon’s attention—when he has realized that the circle cannot be broken and that he must remain in it—say to him again, “I wish to speak with you, Dan Bacon.” Gesture to your mouth as you say this, and then point towards him. Continue to smile. This will show Dan Bacon that you are easy to talk to and that he can open up to you. Sometimes Dan Bacon will be too shy to talk to you. If he shows this by howling something like, “GET AWAY! GET AWAY! OH GOD, WHY WON’T YOU LEAVE ME ALONE?” or simply by losing consciousness, then simply fade back into the shadows, leaving Dan Bacon alone. So alone. Make sure your smile fades last so that he can remain at ease.
  5. Acknowledge the awkwardness. Dan Bacon is unaccustomed to people materializing in his home and demanding that he speak with them. You can break the tension this has caused by simply acknowledging the awkwardness, as in the conversation below:
    You: Dan Bacon, I know that you did not invite me into your home, and that I bled in like the shadows bleed in at night, and that I am now surrounding you on all sides, inescapable. I simply saw your article, and thought to myself, “I must speak with Dan Bacon.” How are you, Dan Bacon?
    Dan Bacon: (Flattered) I’m…I’m fine, Thing-From-the-Shadows.
    At this point you should make a joke to help Dan Bacon relax more.
    You: Perhaps you are afraid that I have come to swallow you whole, Dan Bacon, as I have swallowed so many men to feed my hideous offspring. But I have not. Ha. Ha.
    Dan Bacon: (Probably laughing, enjoying the interaction)
    You: (Let Dan Bacon know that you have other things to do, and will not haunt him always) I visit many in the night, Dan Bacon. Soon I must go, for I have words to speak to Milo Yiannopoulos.
  6. Now you will know that Dan Bacon wishes to continue interacting with you. Sit down on his bed, on all sides, as he pulls the covers towards his chin and squeezes his eyes shut, whispering, “It’s just a dream…it’s just a dream…” Yes, Dan Bacon. Yes. Your dreams have come true.

And it is as simple as that. Following these steps, you can have a successful interaction with Dan Bacon, much as he has successful interactions with women every day.

2 Comments

  1. Laura Schon
    September 2, 2016

    Would love to win the TIFF prize; sounds terrific. TIA!

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