Hi Jenn,
I’m going away with my family for a couple of weeks coming up this summer-I want to make the most of this time together, since I don’t see them all that often. However, every time we get together, it degenerates into a fuming shouting match. It starts with little criticisms, devolves to bickering, passive aggressive stand-offs, and eventually screaming fights. My problem? My family’s well-intentioned ‘constructive criticisms’ of my life choices. I know they don’t mean to be hurtful, but eventually the ‘helpful’ asides about my career, my appearance, and my love life, and the ‘loving’ jibes about my less-than-stellar qualities, start to drive me insane. How can I stick up for myself without losing my cool, and how can I express to my family that while I love them and value their advice and input, the way they go about it makes me feel devalued, small, and extremely frustrated?
-End of My Rope

I hear you! Great question. Hanging with the fam can bring up all sorts of feelings, and for many it can be our weakest link, yet always an opportunity to grow, learn more about ourselves and practice our boundaries.

First off, you are going to have to set boundaries and prepare yourself for certain situations that may arise.

When things start to get heated, make a plan of action. What can you do to take care of yourself in the moment should your family criticize you? You might want to take a time out – go for a walk, take some breaths or do something that will help you to collect yourself and pause before you react. This can be difficult in the heat of the moment especially if you’ve been responding the same way for a long period of time. It’s time to break the pattern. Begin to notice how you react and how you respond and be patient with yourself in the process. It’s a learned response and un-learning the way you respond takes time and patience.

Get behind yourself. The better you feel about your decisions and where you are at in your life, the more difficult it is for your family to plug into you. Our outer world reflects our inner world…so if your family is getting a reaction out of you then you are not accepting or believing in these parts of yourself. Find the good and the gift in the things you are being criticized for. Practice loving and accepting these parts of yourself. If they criticize your career, your appearance or particular qualities – use some positive self-talk with yourself. Talk to yourself like you would to a child that has been hurt. Be reassuring, loving and accepting to you in the way you want them to treat you.

No one can make us feel anything or any way. It is how we choose to feel. Here is a formula you can use to express and take responsibility for your feelings. When you …. (criticize me), I feel …. (angry, hurt, sensitive), and as a result I (consequence). You fill in the blanks. When you respond from a place of “I” and how you feel, you take ownership of your feelings and no longer blame the other person for how you feel. Taking responsibility for your feelings allows you to feel empowered and sets you free from being a victim.

Most of all, be gentle, and tread lightly with yourself. If bickering, shouting matches or stand-offs do occur…do not use it as an opportunity to make yourself wrong or beat yourself up. Use it as a way to create awareness around patterns and feelings and creatively come up with new ways to communicate and interact. Creating new outcomes require new ways of being. The first step is observation. The second step is altering the behaviour by testing out different ways of being that leave you feeling empowered. And the most important step of all is being gentle and easy with yourself in the learning process.

Have fun and sending you lots of hugs,

Jenn