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An imperfect life guide for women

How to pick up a man without talking

The Hook

The most common place to pick up men is, of course, the bar. You’re drunk.
He’s drunk. Mission accomplished. But did you know there is a way to do this
without actually having to talk? Well, I’m about to describe a method that
eliminates the need for words. Introductions aren’t necessary, nor are
questions that you may normally ask, such as "Where do you work?" Because,
let’s face it, if you’re horny and looking for an uncomplicated one night
stand, you’ll just warp the answer in your head to make it suit you anyway.
For example: He says, "I’m in telecommunications." You think to yourself,
"What the hell? I’ve always liked phones." The good news is, you can skip
all that. Get to know him at the end of the night, when it’s time to
determine whether he’s allowed to sleep over or not.

You see the guy across the room and he is facing you. He needs to
be near a door, otherwise this won’t work (well, it could work if you employ
skill, but, assuming you’re drunk, you’ll probably be lacking in that.)
Start walking toward him at a quick and steady pace. Do this regardless
whether he’s actually noticed you. As you near him, stick out your arm (the
one closest to him) and then as you pass by, simply hook your arm into his
and just keep walking until you are out the door and into the street. Most
likely he’ll be giving you a quizzical look. Ignore it and hail a cab.
Before he knows it, he’s in your apartment meeting your rabbit and you’re
naked, contemplating which is less inappropriate to use on a stranger: whip
or anal plug.

You might discover while having sex that he’s not as drunk as
you, or that he’s not drunk at all. Instead, he’s on ecstasy. I have yet to
find out if this will work on someone who isn’t actually high on drugs.