MILF Goes To The Spa

After two solid days of champagne, skittles and naked hot tubbing, the thing a girl really needs is a spa. It truly is icing on the cake to top off the perfect bachlorette weekend. And there’s no better icing then Scandinave Spa.

In Mt. Tremblant we drank, we ate, we danced on the bar at Caribou, we dressed as bunnies, we showered the bride-to-be with gifts, we danced some more, we inflated a 6 foot balloon, we drank more champagne, we devoured mini-eggs and grilled cheese, and we even visited the local hospital (story for another day my friends). Naturally a luxurious spa visit was in order.

Set in the great outdoors with du Diable River as the perfect back drop, Scandinave Spa is heavenly. Hot tub? Check. Finnish baths? Norwegian steam bath? Check and check. Thermal waterfall? Absolutely. The spa feels authentic in its size and atmosphere. You could be in Finland somewhere. Except that your masseuse is likely named Jean-Marc and not Kimi Räikkönen (actually Kimi is a hot Finnish Formula 1 driver but hey a girl can dream).

The only thing this spa was missing was my man. I went with a group of girls but found couples snuggling in the hammocks or exchanging quick kisses in the solarium. As much as I love my girly good times, it made me miss him.

The Toronto spa Body Blitz is women’s only and I always thought it would be fantastic to do it couples style. Probably not the best idea since Body Blitz is bathing suit optional but good in theory. If you’ve been then you know the joy of hot baths, cold baths and steam baths. You’ve done the circuit and you’ve likely been naked. That is the absolute best part about Body Blitz—the freedom to go sans bikini. The freedom to roam from bath to bath in the nude is like no other. It’s a women’s-only nudie girls club – a pure relaxation paradise. A true hideaway retreat in the heart of downtown, the only thing Body Blitz is missing is the forest and nature. It’s a fully indoor facility, which probably makes sense considering the amount of flesh on display, but stepping into Body Blitz feels as if you’ve entered another country where all the rules can be broken.

Stepping into Scandinave is an entirely different country. There are many rules; complete silence, bathing suit mandatory, no food, no manicure or shaving equipment on site and the pamphlet cautions, “avoid any inappropriate displays of affection.” Just in case you have the sudden urge to shag your man whilst in the Finnish sauna. Nonetheless it’s a sight to behold and I’m pumped to get my bath on.

After a little mix-up at front desk about our reservation we took our bathrobes (bring you own if you’d rather not pay to rent one), and our sandals down to the locker room –an exquisite restored barn. First stop: Finnish sauna. This is the largest sauna I’ve ever been in. Beautiful and the silence forces me to relax. Within seconds my body is dripping sweat and I probably smell of booze.

I can’t last the full 15 minutes but I leave to discover all the other girls have skipped the ‘cold bath’ dip that’s recommended. The deal is you’re supposed to go hot cold hot cold hot cold so as to shock your body and cleanse your skin. It’s based on the concept of alternating hot and cold temperatures over the course of 2 to 4 hours to achieve optimal relaxation. The cold dip is essential and many report loving it. Being the European that I am, I decide to take the plunge. I’m steaming from the sauna as I slide into the freezing cold pool only to feel my skin on fire. Literally burning from the cold. Stinging and tingling. I want to jump out immediately not even caring that I’m goose bumped all over and my nipples could cut glass. Instead I stay for a few more seconds and breath in and out deeply and slowly. After a few more seconds (feels like a century) I truly begin to love it. I’m digging the burn. I’m alone in the cold bath and I feel brave. I love it. I’m strong. I’m taking it all in when a grossly overweight middle-aged man winks at me as he walks by. This snaps me right out of my zone. Gross man picks up his robe from a few steps away and makes his way over to the cold bath. That’s my cue—I hurry out and head to the steam bath.

The steam bath is a giant tiled empty bathtub basin. Think History of Violence naked fight scene, except Viggo isn’t there and no one’s fighting. The steam smells and feels amazing and after a few minutes it’s so thick you can’t see your toes. You’re covered in a blanket of hot white steam and sitting in complete silence. Oddly liberating. I barely make my way to the door and feel my skin lifting as I get outside. On to the zero gravity room.

There are several solariums, an outdoor fireplace, all kinds of nooks and crannies to relax in but my personal favourite is the zero gravity room where you can float in complete silence on a chair that makes you feel weightless. I crash there for a good 30 minutes and awake to what feels like an acid trip. Not sure if it’s the hot/cold combo or the laying down or the too much champagne in 48 hours but the giant trees outside of the solarium begin to strobe. I feel as if I’m falling –having a major case of Vertigo. For a split second I panic and then decide to give in to the feeling completely. Pretending that I’m 16 all over again I watch in amazement as the birds move in slow motion and the trees strobe in and out. All I need is a jumping deer to appear. A few minutes in I’m nauseous so I close my eyes and pull my zero gravity chair upright. When I come to I decide I want a hammock.

There are hammocks strewn throughout the forest and greenery everywhere. My hammock laying skills leave something to be desired so I head for the fire place. I stare into the fire until it’s time to go. I skip the shower because my skin has never ever felt so good, my head feels light and life is better than ever. Must find some way to convince my husband to install a waterfall, sauna and cold bath in our backyard.

When checking out the receptionist offers the entire group complimentary smoothies so as to redeem the check-in mishap and we take them happily.

Lush forest, a raging river below, a sprawling village of baths, saunas, solariums and massage rooms, make it worth the trip to Tremblant. Lucky for Vancouver, Collingwood and Montreal they’ve got spas in Whistler, on Blue Mountain and in downtown Montreal. All I need now is for them to set-up shop in High Park and let me roam the baths naked.

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