To my name, I own one bed, two bed bug protector sheets, one broken IKEA drawer and three Tom Robbins books with ticket receipt bookmarks. There’s a half-empty almond milk in my fridge and a shitty broom I bought when I lived in Kensington Market. My net value is -$32,000 with my school debt.
Who am I kidding? I’m young, frugal and don’t have anything of serious value to give away! So instead, I’m writing a digital will so that my friends and family will know what to do with my Facebook, Twitter, Gmail, LinkedIn and Netflix accounts. Google will save this on She Does The City forever right? If not, please bookmark accordingly.
PERSONAL BELONGINGS AND ASSETS
- Bed with questionable stains (Item #1): If anybody is looking for a VERY squeaky bed with chocolate sauce and (???) stains; it’s your lucky day. First one who comments on this article gets my bed. From one woman to another – consider it yours.
- IKEA lamp (Item #2): Ever watch that hilarious IKEA commercial by Spike Jonze? I own the same lamp, and I think it still works?
- Clothing (Items #3): UMMM. Can somebody donate my health goth wardrobe to Kind Exchange and give the $15 credit to my brother’s new girlfriend? I haven’t met her yet, and think this would be a really nice gesture (if she ever visits Toronto).
- Jewelry (Item #4): Sorry best friends, all my jewelry was purchased at CLAIRE’S for $4. Rings will stain your fingers and necklaces will break after one drunk afternoon in the park. But you can have them anyway. Remember me with the black stain on your index finger; I’ll be with you until you wash your hands.
- Mom jeans (Item #5): I’d like to offer my H&M mom jeans for a full-feature film, The Sisterhood of the Travelling Dead Girl Pants. Hot mamas (you know who you are) – wear my beloved mom jeans when you’re playing volleyball, travelling to Greece and making out with hot people on the beach. Cool.
- Netflix subscription (Item #6): How many people can I share this with? If you rated Get Rich or Die Trying 5 stars, please DM me on Twitter and I’ll share my password with you.
- Cigarettes, Omega-3 (No Fish Burps) and iron pills (Items #7-9): If you smoke on the weekend and have low-iron, I’ll give you my zip lock full of vitamins, Tylenol, iron supplements and cigarettes. The cigarettes will not be fresh, but on the bright side, at least my Omega-3 pills guarantee zero fish burps. We’re all a bunch of winners in this scenario.
DEAD BODY STUFF
This depends on how I die. If I die with my body intact, I’d like for it to be discarded at the bottom of the Bermuda Triangle. Zip my body into one of those fancy suit bags (like Dexter) and fill it with beach rocks from Tofino. Anchor me at the bottom of the North Atlantic Ocean so I can hang out with lost pirates and famous explorers from the eighteenth century.
Alternatively, if the dead body disposal is too much of a drag (get the joke?), please cremate me and spread my ashes in the 501 Queen West streetcar, the patio of Banjara Indian Cuisine on Bloor, and the dancefloor of The Painted Lady. If it’s not TOO much to ask, throw the rest of my ashes in the change room of Forever 21 when nobody is looking.
SOCIAL MEDIA RIP STATUS UPDATE
- Facebook: Hey everyone, I’m dead! Ugh, I know, this sucks. Well, as you know, I hate it when people go on and on in sentimental Facebook posts, so I’ll make this quick. I’ve only got a few minutes to spare, because I’ve got to go back to the after-life party with Aliyah, Bernie Mac and Brittany Murphy. BUT. It’s been really trill, and like, thanks Mom and Dad. XO. [INSERT LINK: Kelly – I Believe I Can Fly] RIP Sarah Brown (1991-[insert date of death here])
- Twitter: I’m DEAD! RT if you’re interested in buying my Navage nose-cleaning machine (I swear it’s clean!) #YOLO
- Instagram: Can someone post a cute #TBT post of me eating Tiger Ice Cream outside of The Big Chill on College Street? Mucho appreciation. Caption: #TBT to SB (RIP) Eating Tiger Ice Cream [insert ice cream emoji + tiger] – Wow, that rhymed. Double tap please.
- Pinterest: Pin me a graveyard board of flower bouquets, Pink Floyd album covers and DIY candles. Thanks in advance.
- LinkedIn: Update my latest work experience to “Really Experienced Dead Girl.” I guess it would be appropriate to share some sort of leadership article too, so if you don’t mind, post a link to: “10 Ways to Build Your Klout Score When You’re Dead” by Mashable.
EMAIL AUTOMATIC REPLY
Well, now that I’m dead, can someone do me a favour and set up an automatic reply with the following:
SUBJECT LINE: OOOF (OUT OF OFFICE – FOREVER)
Yikes, you just missed me. I’m totally dead right now! Unfortunately, I [insert reason for death] and will be unable to answer your request, question or comment until further notice. I’ll do my best to get back to you as soon as I connect to the Internet in the after-life. I’ll keep you posted.
If the matter is urgent, please Google the answer or do it yourself
Hasta la vista,
I NEVER CHECK MY VOICEMAIL SO PLEASE STOP IT. But, for the purpose of my digital will, please update my voicemail message to, “Hey, what’s up?…………….just kidding, I’m dead! Leave a message on my Facebook wall if it’s important.”
No funeral necessary. WAY out of my budget.
FUNERAL DANCE PARTY AT FLY (THE GAY BAR)
I want my funeral after-party to take place at Fly, the gay bar. This was my very first introduction to ecstasy, extremely good-looking male dancers and fake eyelashes. I mean, what better place to host a funeral dance party than a place called “FLY”! I know my mom will have a blast. And everyone else will be too busy drinking water to understand what’s going on. Cover will be $95, which will go toward my student debt. I don’t have that many friends, so please invite other friends so I can cover the cost of $32,000. The hashtag of the night will be #FDPRIPSB (Funeral Dance Party Rest In Peace Sarah Brown). Dress code is glitter. Can someone invite a Toronto celebrity to give me goodbye street credit? How about that guy who screams “PRAISE THE LORD!” outside Forever 21? DM me if you’re interested in sponsoring (Red Bull / Sephora???).
TY – G2G
Alright, I think I’ve covered everything. Special thank you to all the streetcar drivers who didn’t make a fuss when I clearly didn’t pay the correct TTC fair. I mean, $0.70 in nickels is close enough! Another thank you to all my email contacts, Twitter followers, Facebook friends and LinkedIn connections. I don’t really know you all that well, but you definitely stroked my ego when I felt like a loser. Also big thanks to my family, you know, for paying my Rogers cell phone bill WAY PAST moving out of the house. Last but not least, thank you to everyone who Liked, Favorited or Retweeted my RIP status updates on Facebook and Twitter. My Klout score is totally on fire right now. Okay. G2G.