You know those people who enjoy calling everything awkward, as in ‘Omigod, he’s sooo awkward’? Well, my life is a series of awkward moments in that genuine ‘dear-god please let this moment pass’ kind of way. Lying, I am not. Perhaps this has something to do with my recent occurrence of perpetually starting something new. From a new internship to a new part time job to new (and even old) love interests, it seems that as soon as I am comfortable somewhere, the rug is yanked out from under me; I am constantly confronting the unfamiliar, the scary and yes, the awkward. For someone who strives to appear confident and at ease, I’m beginning to wonder, am I simply an awkward person?

I’ve heard it time and time again, that as we age we become more comfortable in our own skin. I didn’t believe this as a prepubescent girl in bejeweled tops and Buffalo jeans, but as puberty and teenaged romantic drama descended upon me, I began to fully comprehend the magnitude of that statement. To walk down the street and not need to glance into a reflective surface, to knock on your boss’ door and not dread having to say “Excuse me, but…”, to kiss a guy you like while stone-cold sober–­­­ these all require confidence, which may be the cross-town rival to awkwardness. I believe in awkward situations, not people. That being said, some people are awkward in almost all situations. Otherwise, there would be no logical explanation for the 754 people (I know many of them) in the ‘Holy Shit, I’m AWKWARD’ Facebook group and the wide use of the ‘awkward turtle’. Seeing how copious amounts of alcohol seem to remove the A (that’s for ‘awkward’) factor, we could say that awkwardness is just disguised inhibitions and nervousness which, without the boozy blanket, culminate in an unfortunately embarrassing display of “Ummm… heyyy” accompanied by shifty eyes and rapid Blackberrying.

In an ode to the big pink elephant of awkwardness that lurks behind every corner, I compiled an anti-hit list of cringe-worthy moments along with a list of pleasantly un-awkward situations. Weep with me, you poor bastard:

Dear-god, let it pass:

– mispronouncing your boss’s name. “Hi Leah” “It’s LAY-A”

– answering company phone with “Heyyy John, whats up?” when John is not on other line

– eye contact during sex with the ex

– having new co-worker greet you “Hey Amanda” when you aren’t Amanda and failed to correct him the first time

– the ‘are we or aren’t we going to’ kiss moment on a busy street corner

– clogging toilet in very new acquaintance’s place. Or anywhere with people waiting after you.

– having hickey-like scratch on neck while at a funeral. Of someone related to your ex

– not remembering a random who stops you on street. Times by ten when you are said random.

– walking onto packed streetcar while crying

– “Put it in.” “It is in”.

You’ll never believe this story:

– relaxing with friends as you rehash past awkward moments

– reading book quietly by yourself in backyard or park

– watching someone else’s descent into awkwardness (safely, from afar)

It seems I, and those I know, truly do have more awkward than not moments. I blame the other guy. He’s soooo awkward.