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The Grown-Ass Woman’s Guide to: Actually Sexy Selfie Poses

You’re a grown-ass woman, and you are probably spending a lot of time night-Googling “How to take a sexy selfie,” because this silly joke piece I wrote about how to snap a saucy pic continues to get thousands of hits, weeks after its publication (#humblebrag #trafficbrag #confusedbrag). This at first amused me and now fills me with guilt: people are legitimately looking for tips on how to take a rude pic and being met with advice like, “Lightly pinch a boob in one hand and clutch a slice of pizza in the other.” As such, I have decided to make amends. I present to you, now, the Official Grown-Ass Woman’s Guide to Actually Sexy Selfie Poses.

Some things to keep in mind before you start:
1) This is not a race. Rome [‘s secret underground pleasure palaces] wasn’t built in a day. Take your time.
2) No one is going to see the outtakes. If you take a photo you don’t like, simply delete it and move on. Feel free to take literally hundreds of photos.
3) EVERYONE has a sexy selfie or three in them. Literally everyone. Feel free to experiment.
4) Chill out. This is supposed to be fun!

Set the mood
With tip 4 in mind, do what you gotta do to make yourself feel a bit sexy. Bright red lipstick? Mood lighting? Put them both on. Got, like, a song that really gets you going? Want freshly shaven legs or newly clean sheets? GO FOR IT! If this is your first ride on the sexy selfie express, lay the track however you need to. Eventually you’ll be choo-chooing all over town, snapping nip slips in public bathrooms and upskirting yourself at the office (#cute), but until then, pamper yourself a bit. Install a dimmer switch in your bedroom and have a shower or something. Drink a glass of wine or three. Now:

Work your angles

When in doubt, shoot from above. A lil tilt of your lens can do a world of good, flattery-wise. Figuring out your fave poses is basically up to you and will rely heavily on the above “take your time, experiment, maybe get drunk” advice. You may feel embarrassed or vain or weird during this exercise, but keep calm and selfie on, knowing that most of that is the result of bunk lessons we’re all taught about sexuality and what/who it’s for. (And a bit of it is because it is kind of embarrassing.)

Strike a pose
If it’s good enough for Madonna, it’s good enough for you. V-O-G-U-E. Werk it out, hunty. Bend over, lean back, slide forward, slither around your desk chair, drape yourself against the window, hang your upper body off the bed, lie on the floor. Channel Nicki, Shakira, Rihanna, or Martha. See what feels natural, what looks good, what works, and what doesn’t. Then do more of what does. THEN TAKE A PICTURE OF IT ALREADY, JEEZ.

Blurry = Don’t worry
Part of what’s sexy about nudie phone pics is that they were snapped surreptitiously, spur of the moment, on a horny whim. So what if your lower half is a little blurry, or obscured by darkness, or your finger is a bit in the way of the lens? That’s all part of your crazy sexy spontaneous lifestyle, duh no duh. These aren’t going anywhere other than someone’s phone unless you say otherwise (ideally), so they don’t have to be perfect. Do your best with the conditions at hand, and feel free to fake errors (I have blocked many a pimple with a well-placed finger-on-lens maneuver).

Mirrors are your friend
Making use of your bedroom or bathroom mirror allows you to take the mullet of sexy selfies: business in the front (Boobs, Inc.), party in the back (the party is your butt). Mirrors can also help you get a standing full-body shot, if that is something you’re interested in getting.

“I woke up like this”
Natural morning light is the most flattering light you’re going to find outside a photo studio, plus a bit of last night’s makeup and an under-the-covers vibe never hurt no one. This is especially helpful in long-distance situations, a sort of sexy “wish you were here” morning after memory without the bad breath. Cute, right? If you sleep in pajamas, 1) why and 2) just like, pull your tank top down so your nips are out, or something. It might feel cheesy or weird, but it honestly takes so much less work to turn someone else on than you think. Your nips are out! You’re in your bed! They’re on board.

Once you’ve got some pics you’re into, keep a few good ones on file
You know, in case of emergency.

The Grand Daddy of All Sexy Selfie Poses
This pose has a 100% “…can i come over” return rate. Complete satisfaction guaranteed or your money back. It’s basically a superfood. So: lie like 75% on your back, 25% on your side. Arch your back and twist your upper body backwards towards your butt, then take the photo from above your head. Go get ’em, tiger.

5 comments
lil miz krazie
lil miz krazie

Ok I'm going to try this Im doing them for my husband that's locked up

lovingyou
lovingyou

The link to the "Grand Daddy" sexy selfie doesn't work. Could you link it again?

Dalisonc
Dalisonc

The Grand Daddy of All Sexy Selfie Poses

This pose has a 100% “…can i come over” return rate. Complete satisfaction guaranteed or your money back. It’s basically a superfood. So: lie like 75% on your back, 25% on your side. Arch your back and twist your upper body backwards towards your butt, then take the photo from above your head. Go get ’em, tiger.

nemo
nemo

Your link is broken, dear. :p