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Is there anything in this world sadder than an unsolicited dick pic?

The Grown-Ass Woman’s Guide to: Sexy Selfie Poses

You’re a grown-ass woman. And a modern one, at that. It follows, then, (it does) that you’ve probably taken or been asked to take a sexy pic. We’re MODERN GALS, okay? We’re Having It All! And one of the things we are having is anxiety about what angle makes our boobs look most fun and symmetrical but also like “oh, me? Just hanging out with these guys. VERY similar shapes. Anyway a camera sort of materialized and I snapped a quick pic, you know? Thought I’d send your way just for a bit of titillation. Quick pun for you there. I’m very light-hearted. Anyway I don’t know why I left you a voice message about a sext, but here we go. Had a lot of fun last week!”

Don’t panic. Next time you’re staring down the barrel of your smartphone drenched in stress-sweat, pretend it’s sultry Moroccan oil and bust out one of these tried-and-tested poses.

The Incognito
If you don’t know someone that well, you don’t know what they’re going to do with this picture. A mutual right swipe on Tinder might mean shared attraction but it certainly doesn’t mean shared morals and also, I’m sorry to break this to you, but I know a lot of guys who literally say Yes to everyone just to see who they match up with. Don’t include your face or other identifying features in a sexy picture until one or both of the following is true: a) you wouldn’t care if it ended up online somewhere because, hello, you look and feel amazing, www.YOUREWELCOME.com, basically, and/or b) you trust the person in question at least enough to presume they’d get permission before making you internet-famous. If not, obscure your face with careful camera angles, jaunty accessories, or fun, mysterious masks. Looks like it was Ms. Scarlett, in her parents’ bathroom, with the iPhone. Sauuuuce-y!
Accompanying message: The real Whodunit is gonna be IN YOUR PANTS.

The Wh….at is that?
Give your sextee a photo they’ll look at over and over again… to try to figure out what the heck it is you’ve sent them. The blurrier the better, here. We want an XXX-treme close up of… something. Could be anything. Should probably be a b-hole. (Not necessarily yours! Maybe that’s part of the surprise!!)
Accompanying message: It’s what you think it is. (Depending on what you think it is.) (But probably.) (I mean, how many things could it really be.) (U hard?)

The Barely-Legal
Taking its cue from one of the most popular pornographic genres in the world, the goal of this selfie is to look freshly 18, so apply your mascara poorly, don’t cover up that heavy undergrounder of a zit your chin’s been brewing, and make a face that says “I’m just discovering feminism and have read SO many articles about whether or not what I’m doing right now is cool that I honestly can’t decide and all I really know is that I want you to like me.” For added detail, play an earnest female singer-songwriter in the background. Your recipient won’t know, but you will. #BelieveInUrself #LilithFair
Accompanying message: The work of Jewel is very empowering… sexually. I know about music. 

The Impossible
Setting the bar incredibly high for in person interaction by micromanaging every detail of your selfie until you have the taken the Perfect Pic. This will only take 600 or so tries. See if you can rent some studio lighting from a local photography school at low cost, and get a friend or seven to come over and act as crew. Spend a few months beforehand taking yoga and pilates classes to limber up, and when it comes to the big day, just be [a VERY carefully positioned, perfectly made up, flatteringly contorted version of] yourself. Just a few hours in the editing suite and you’re minutes away from sending an easy, breezy, sexy pic! Well done you.
Accompanying message: I woke up like this. PS we’re never having sex with the lights on again.

The Please Stop Texting Me
Is there anything in this world sadder than an unsolicited dick pic? Gentlemen, if you are reading this, please note: no woman in history has ever received an unasked-for shot of a peen and thought “Oh, wow. He’s FUN. I’ve really overlooked him in a sexual way for reasons of like, general compatibility and taste and the heart wanting what it wants, but now… I mean, this is a game changer. Call me Wales in Springtime because I am WET!” If someone is bothering you with their dick pics, save one and edit it so the penis is just… gone. Send it back to them, then block.
Accompanying message: “Non-descript mushy area instead of genitals is a good look for you, don’t you think? Byeeeeeeee.”

The Girlfriend Experience
Pull your hair back in a scrunchie and look half-jokingly, half-seductively at the camera. Lightly pinch a boob in one hand and hold a slice of pizza in the other.
Accompanying message: Gonna do to you what you do to our regular medium, four toppings walk-in special. ; )

You can do this! Remember: a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single sext. Namaste.

Follow Monica on twitter: @monicaheisey

1 comments
Erin O'Neill
Erin O'Neill

This is quite possibly your next masterpiece...Bravo!