You’re a grown-ass woman and right now on the internet and a few people’s phones and your computer and in a bunch of teenage photo albums with psychedelic flowers on the cover, there are thousands and thousands of images of your face. The sheer number of images of you that exist in the world is nuts when you consider what a big deal having a photo taken was even 100 years ago. It used to be that you got your whole family dressed up in their best clothes and went down to a studio where a man would arrange you in a line, say “now make a face like you have never known joy” and then snap snap snap from under his little photo-tent. This morning I took four pictures of myself being angry about waking up before I was even out of bed. (It was to send to someone, for reasons, okay? This is not my regular practice, I am just very skillfully and deftly proving a point about the ubiquity of photography in our daily lives, pipe down.) We take a lot of pictures of ourselves and our friends and our lattes, for some reason. We are, to quote some trend pieces currently being written, I’m sure, an “image-saturated society.” But what does it all mean?! I don’t know. But with photography, as with my downstairs neighbour’s habit of smoking in the hallway early in the morning, I have some feelings about it that I would like to share. Here are some of them.

What I want to see photos of, and how many
– A cat, cats in general, cat-inspired fashion and homewares: infinite, never stop
– You and your boyfriend or girlfriend, so in love: 1, every once in a while
– Vacations: between 5 and 25, depending on location/skill of photographer
– Your face, with your mouth slightly open in a sexy way: 1 or 2, ever
– Funny signs: like one really really good one and that’s it
– Something someone recently ate or drank: 0
– Just a penis: almost never, sorry guys!
– Weird close ups, (e.g. candles, corners of furniture, mirrors, etc.): 5 or so, why not

Holy shit what are those poses
Ladies. Gals. Fillies. “Fillies.” What the HELL is going on? When did y’all have the meeting where the Queen of Women (Beyonce) was like “And let it be agreed, from this day forth, once a camera is turned on them, every woman in the world is Taylor Swift at the Grammy’s in 2008, posing for their lives/like they don’t know where Joe Jonas is in the room. Believe in your bodies, meeting adjourned.” I missed the meeting. And the Secretary General/Minutes-taker of Women (Allison Williams) (zzzzzzzZzzzz) (sorry guys, Allison Williams) did not fill me in, but I vote NAY to those poses. Get your hands off your hips and stop cocking your heads so far to the side, everyone. You are not an exotic bird and you look like a wax statue. I’ve seen groups of girls out that literally drift into position when faced with a camera, rearranging themselves in a piece of gentle choreography like some kind of high-heeled Optimus Prime until they finally fit, everyone with their “good side” facing outwards, in a horrific line of the same pose stretching out across the front area of a bar or a beach on spring break as far as the eye can see. Enough!

Chill out
This is a direct addendum to the above. If someone puts a camera in your direction, you do not need to hide your face and scream “no photos!!!” like Justin Bieber on his 19th birthday. You also don’t have to stop what you’re doing and suck everything in and smize in the direction of your friend’s cousin’s iPhone. On a related note, and this is mainly though not exclusively for any gentlemen readers of the GAWG: if you make only funny/weird faces in photos, you will only have photos of you making funny /weird faces. And then when you get a girl or guy interested and they want to show you off to their buddies over wine in a basement or something, they will be scrolling through their phone going “Well, he looks like this except that is a wig and normally his face is, like… better… than that.” Everyone just smile nicely. That’s why babies say “smile!” when they hold up cameras, because even babies know what you’re supposed to do. Are you less smart than a baby??

Remember this is a frozen moment and not what your chin looks like
You exist in a state of constant motion. That one unflattering picture where your arms look all weird and your nose is off-centre or whatever is not an accurate representation of your nose and arms, and certainly not a reason to fall into some kind of shame-spiral. Untag and move on. 

Selfies
1) We all take them. Don’t pretend you’re above an occasional selfie.
2) Do not open another lady’s Photobooth or phone photo album. You’ll see all the selfies and we’ll be embarrassed, even though see #1.
3) If you take a very, very good selfie, you are allowed to post it online because sometimes it’s just nice to put that out there. Posting a selfie is you saying “I look pretty right now” and we could all think that more often, w/e.
4) If you wanted to be awesome/make me have a crush on you, you would post a good selfie but with some element of your appearance horribly wrong. Fun options: sexy face, full mustache; spicy cleav, visible booger; hot lips, clown wig; the possibilities are endless.
5) Obviously nobody in the world** wants to look at an album full of variations on the same picture of you in your room, so maybe keep the multiples to yourself. (**there are definitely a few people in the world who want this, but they are not just “liking” your photos, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.)

Put it down
I like Instagram as much (or possibly a great deal more, who can say) (I can say. I fucking love Instagram.) as the next person, but you don’t have to take a photo every time you go to a bar and you CERTAINLY do not need to take a photo of your outfit every single day so that other people can look at it and judge your style to be either good or bad. That is what those are for, guys! Is that what you want? Maybe it is, and I guess do whatever you want, I’m not really the boss of you. (I really hope no one thought I was the boss of them. Last week I wore a one piece bathing suit as underwear.) I do think that going to a concert and seeing everyone watching it through the screen of their phone or iPad—lololol to these people—is very depressing, and you are certainly missing out on a few moments by desperately trying to capture the last one. Put your phone away for a bit. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to Instagram it with a Shins lyric underneath, did you still have a good time on your fun woodland picnic? (Yes.)

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