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The Grown-Ass Woman’s Guide to: Appearing Wealthy

You’re a grown-ass woman, as you keep telling the people at the bank. And yet for some reason you still can’t get that second loan. Lots of us are strapped for cash at the minute, something something THIS ECONOMY. But when the going gets tough, the tough get second jobs, so you’re hanging in there. Also you’ve learned how to “shop your closet” (whatever that means) and grow your own olives from a spindly little tree you keep in your bathroom. Delicious.

The point is, you’re still managing to live it up a bit. But you could be living it up in style with a few small lifestyle tweaks—ironically, once people assume you are wealthy, that is when the free stuff and fancy invitations come rolling in. Fancy wealthy trendsetters are often sent clothing samples to be seen in about town, and at rich person events there is often a plethora of free food and booze, all things a young woman on the go needs IN THIS ECONOMY. “But how can I have all these rich person benefits without actually being rich? Haven’t you heard about THIS ECONOMY?!” you might ask. I have good news! As our society continues to crumble into total vacuity, you don’t even really need to have money to enjoy the main perk of having money: other people thinking you have money. Nowadays, you just need to look the part, and I am here to show you how.

First-name drop

Drop a couple of foreign/important sounding first names into conversation without explaining who you’re talking about. “I was just having such a great time with Karl over canapes, the man knows his way around a double entendre, if you know what I mean…” “Salvator and I took the boat out and met up with Louis. You know, Louis?” “Anyway Harry couldn’t help himself, you know how he is, and we both ended up stark naked and covered in champagne. That’s Vegas for you I guess!” You don’t need to explain who these people are… everyone knows, duh. Julian knows. Why don’t you, if JULIAN knows?

Bore yourself with luxury

Saunter down Yorkville, wandering freely into the sparse, brightly lit confines of Louis Vuitton and Chanel, picking up $3,000 handbags and saying things like “this one is okay, I guess;”  “I wonder if they’d do this in blue if I asked;” and “You can’t make a good tote for $3,000, I bet the stitching’s not even leather.” You hate everything, because you can afford anything. 

Monochrome comfies

Never be seen in any outfit other than leggings, a plain white t-shirt and a navy blue or gray drapey chunky knit sweater. This is the official uniform of women flying Executive Class, and though for them made of the finest cashmere and angora blends that money can by, you can easily reproduce this look on the cheap at H&M or the Gap. Tell everyone you have just come from the airport and sent the bags ahead with Stefan. You’d love to stay out and have drinks at Sassafraz but you are just too tired. Next time, darlings!

Cab everywhere

You know how I know I’m poor? The last time my Dad was in town, we took a cab somewhere and I literally told him I “felt like a movie star” because we were driving in a car through the city. Rich people do not take the subway. They don’t even know what buses are, but they’re pretty sure they hate them. Forge some sort of non-sexual arrangement with a cab driver (you’ll send all your friends their way, you’ll tweet about how great their service is to your 10,000 gold-digging followers, w/e) and pretend you have no idea what the subway costs before zooming away in yet another taxi. 

Annoying foreign slang

A lot of the terrible habits of the very rich are things that could happen to any of us, but no one has told them they’re acting like an idiot because everyone around them is scared/sucking up/on their staff. One such habit is the affected use of slang from a part of the world in which you did not grow up. E.g. “I just spent two weeks in London, it was jolly good fun.” Normally my response to this would be something along the lines of: “This is the Shut Up Police, come out with your Shuts UP,” but in this case, dropping a few bits of cockney slang or Parisian-inflected cooing sounds into your everyday chatter should demonstrate a lack of self awareness indicative of a much higher income bracket. Allez-y.

Dolla dolla billz y’all

However much money you have available to you at a given moment, be it 20 or 200 dollars, carry it all around with you constantly, in the least number of bills possible. ie. if you have recently been paid $1200, take all of that in your wallet out to dinner. When the cheque comes say “Can anyone break a 100? I have two hundreds. Otherwise I only have… this thousand. Guys?” 

Well, there you have it. How to make everyone hate you and be jealous of you and sacrifice all your real friends for a thin, fragile veneer of airbrushed elegance of the kind promoted by music videos and whatever the deal is with Kimora Lee Simmons’ clothing line. But hey, at least you’ll be chowing down on free appetizers, right? … Right? Go for a swim in the shallows, water’s fine. (It’s that $5-per-bottle Fiji stuff.)

Follow Monica on twitter: @monicaheisey

Read more of Monica’s Grown-Ass Woman guides on dealing with rude-osbeing sickgetting other people’s parents to like you, getting shit doneyour facesneak-cercise saying notwittertalking about your body anxietieshangover maintenancevintage clotheshow to have a long-distance relationshipsounding smart at cocktail parties, and packing to disappear.

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